Well, I really don't think you're being fair. I mean, by nuclear holocaust, what he really meant was . . . okay, look, but what about Clinton and her . . . um, well, okay.

You can throw me a party when Hillary Clinton take responsibility for her eight quadrillion emails.

I would want one of those leatherbound Easton Press editions of Foundation with Isaac Asimov's signature. https://www.amazon.com/Foun…

President Trump will soon get to the bottom of this heinous crime. What? No, not the theft. Book ownership.

But if Trump was hoping to see one of his administration’s most vocal
figures swapping vague accusations and fake massacres with hosts Joe
Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski

Typical liberal coastal elites with their disrespect for patriotic hardworking Americans. You call them morons, but I happen to prefer the term chumps.

I'll have you know that I can name four or five Chicago area massacres from the last week alone!

Yes, that vestigial tail is a problem. I told Bannon he shouldn't take those pills Thiel was trying to hawk.

Well, assuming you count the Irish. We all know they're the black people of white people.

This is all a big misunderstanding. When Donald Trump talks about
American Carnage, he's referring to the infiltration of American
government by carnies, or circus clowns. Apparently one of them wearing an orange wig taunts the President from inside his mirror every morning.

I'd be perfectly fine with him sitting in the Oval Office playing snake all day.

I just think that liberals are upset that the Republican Party has found a candidate who the American people truly feel represents them, instead of some coastal elite. Of course, by the American people, I'm referring to the ones who don't live in cities. And are white. You know, the real Americans.

Hmmmm. No Twitter? Maybe I should by one for . . . a friend.

Damn. That's some spin that even I could be proud of.

I think it just shows how enterprise savvy Donald Trump is, that he can translate his fame and respect into a revenue stream for his well-run business. That's the kind of managerial skill we need to run this country. Not like Hillary Clinton who makes her money selling access to government.

Donald just happens to have very particular tastes when it comes to leaks. I mean, BUZZFEED! FAKE NEWS!

Well, actually, I think that the election is over, so I don't understand why we're still talking about this. I mean, campaigning was the part that mattered, right? We don't worry about security for little things like actually being President.

For the benefit of those reading who might not be able to distinguish between the satire and reality . . . THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

One has. Now I'm down to two lives.

I assume that you're referring to the Papua New Guinea incident. Look, I get that it's unconventional for a President to ask a foreign head-of-state whether or not they would prefer a cannibal entree during a state dinner. And to ask if they were going to do an 'oogie boogie dance' around the cookpot. But I think…