The assumption that the elderly or the differently abled need to tip extra to receive decent service is fucked up beyond belief. How about the hospitality industry treats them with the same respect they treat everyone else without expecting a fucking medal or a goddamn pay raise? Motherfuckers need to stop acting like…

“How do I fix an awkward situation between grandma and the server?”

Yo Salty, why so off brand with this polite and delicate response?

“How do I keep my salad from getting tossed while I’m in the bathroom?”

“Slap a coaster or napkin on top of your drink—the pre-digital “brb”—and you’re good. Hey whippersnappers, you kids still know about this trick, right?”

I say just go at the table. That way, you don’t leave your stuff unattended, and your territory is marked for the next time.

“How can I get rid of lingering customers who hang out for hours?”

“Is it rude to ask the server to throw away my trash?”

And so how exactly are we supposed to know who makes minimum wage and who doesn’t? Should there be a sign on the front of the shoe store that says “we’re cheap assholes who don’t pay our employees enough, so please tip them when you buy your shoes”?

Just last week, I asked to move to a different table because of kids that were squawking next to us. Why are some children permitted to constantly make noise in public places while the parents just sit there and ignore it? I won’t let my evening be constantly interrupted by bad parenting.

Most of us weren’t because we actually got - GASP! - punished for bad behavior in public. Guess you didn’t.

My grandma never took us anywhere until we could sit quietly and use good table manners. She made the effort to teach us all about manners and about new foods at home before she would let us eat out. I miss you grandma.

I always make the mistake of telling the truth, and ain’t nobody want that.

That would be fun, but I always make the mistake of telling the truth, and ain’t nobody want that.

If my brother and I had behaved like that we wouldn’t have been taken out again until we learned how to act in public.

If I messed up my mom either dragged me out of the restaurant or my dad whooped me in the parking lot in front of God and everybody. It only took a couple of times (and I’m not advocating for spanking, of course) but I learned how to behave.

Honestly, what happened to RAISING children? We would have been sitting in the damn car so fast our heads would spin. Poor Mom - but she only had to do it once per kid and we were very well behaved after. Nothing like everyone else getting a treat that you’re denied due to your own behavior.

I’d make them compete in a dance-off.

If you do choose to pay with a credit card but leave a cash tip, PLEASE remember to write “cash” in the tip line on your receipt, so your server doesn’t think you stiffed him or her.

Dear friend of “those people”, get better friends.