This is going to sound weird, gross, & kind of troubling but I swear it's true. My father (Gestapo Leo as we called him) was born in Szentpeterfa, Hungary. After the 56' revolution my uncle got out & after a few years sent for my father. When I was 14 we went to visit (my 3rd time). Everything is pretty old-school…

Let me find my smallest cookie for you.

It sounds like your family are good people. But, how many encounters between the Vietnamese family and white Americans did you not witness? What microagressions did you and your family commit (unintentionally) that you can be made aware of now by considering a different perspective?

Matt Booooner. (Bomer, whatever.)

I can't fucking wait.

A beekeeper was summoned?? To the Beemobile!

I once had a police file for a bee swarm in a rural area. Not sure what the local residents thought we were going to do—bees are adept at the Matrix and can dodge bullets with ease.

There was a great documentary on PBS about bees and colony collapse disorder. And they think they've got it pegged to neonicotinoids in pesticides. Yes. Nicotine in pesticide. And of course the bastard of all bastards, Monsanto. I forget what it's called but it was a riveting watch.

I feel like I would have gone over my degrees, pointed out where that landed me, and then talk about how successful Gates and Zuckerberg were as dropouts.

No fat owls.

"How Not to Die Plain and Overweight Like That Editor in Austraila" by The Bryn Mawr Health Center

"Think before you eat that second piece of pizza! No one wants to rape a fatty!"

I grew up as a dirty peasant so the first time I met a bathroom attendant I was so fucking confused, I thought she was coming onto me.

Not NEARLY as annoying as 'mascarpone' (MAS-car-POH-nay) being pronounced "Mars Capone" (Al's funky disco cousin).

Honestly? I'd rather piss the bed...

You should play the clarinet for her at her office...