“In all fairness, I am high as fuck right now, Barnicle Bill the Sailor”

(Day 17 of a difficult run in winter ball in Panama. A phone call is made)

“What’cha got cookin’ today, Papa?”

When’s that cricket sub-site going online?

Original title: Subtle As a Flying Mallet

(sullen millennial looks at me)

“Got your nose” “GOT YOUR WALLET”

Thank God they’re water-resistant what with the melting icecaps and rising sea levels.

Something tells me if you raid Jack Harbaugh’s basement you’ll find two Skinner boxes.

(reporter yells SYRIAN REFUGEES) (Goodell pisses his pants)

Yes, let’s all respect a country that produces an unregulated industry which pays a human sock puppet $43 million per annum to mouth non sequiturs for a gormless populace.

“Get out, get out! This is a place of business, not a pee-wee flophouse!”

I guess the Southern version of ‘It’ would have the catchphrase “Y’all wanna float or not?”

It’s true, every time somebody kneels for the anthem or kind of half-heartedly mumbles the incorrect words to that interminable middle part, a soldier is incapacitated by an IED and the VA has its funding cut 0.01%

(President Obama is presented with executive order changing national anthem to The Clash’s “I’m So Bored with the USA,” signs it “Checkmate, Torts”)

Here is Findlaw’s state-by-state rundown on statute of limitations for the inevitable “why this, but why not this” arguments.

Donald Sutherland: “Where are you from, soldier?”

Announcer: We now return to ‘Search for the Sun.’
Woman: Accordin’ to Daddy’s will, I inherit the entire plantation.
Man: I’ll see to it you don’t get apricot one

You dodged a bullet, West Deptford, wherever the fuck you are.