I do not care for John Mayer, the man or the whiny ass music he produces.

He owns many monogrammed thermoses. Obviously.

This shark is my spirit animal.

Better late than never, and most definitely should've posted this story sooner but here it goes. I do promise this will make you smile.

Domino's isn't good, but at least the cheese doesn't taste like compressed sand.

I can't in good conscience recommend this comment, because Papa John's is literally the worst pizza I have ever eaten, and that includes the two-month expired frozen pizza we bought at an Ocean City convenience store one time.

*shrug* OK then... I guess people just don't remember Hunter S. Thompson.

The moment at which you start screaming and hurling swears at an employee is the moment at which you deserve absolutely no sympathy or understanding whatsoever.

I'm just going to share this story from last Saturday. A good money-making night- the restaurant is packed, we're trying to turn over tables. Of course half of them are fucking campers. So when another 8 top of 40 something year olds roll in, I'm begging my manager to give them to me. Bright eyed and with an imaginary…

Oh God, fuck these people.

"I really hate to be that guy and to stick up for coffee latte lady"

I am gonna guess it comes from being spoiled by their parents. Rather than being told "You will eat the spaghetti cause that is all the food there is", their mom would probably go out and buy them some damn chicken nuggets if they demanded them just because they asked. So now they expect the whole world to cater to…

I've heard of that whole stack of bills on the table thing before and I literally cannot think of a better way to guarantee your food will get fucked with. Seriously, don't piss your waitress off before your food even gets to the table.

This will never get old.

We are legit terrible.

He goes on to explain that every time a "waitress" does something he doesn't like, he takes a dollar off the stack and puts it back in his wallet. According to him, this guarantees EXCELLENT "waitress" behavior.

I feel like that crazy Coffee Latte story needs to be a Hyperbole and a Half blog post, it needs Allie's glorious illustrations to depict that woman's rage.

The undercurrent of boyfriend douchbaggery here is not lost on me. Either I or one of my girl friends has dated all the assholes above. All the horror and embarrassment just came flooding back. LOL. I have to laugh but only because none of us ended up saddled with these guys. We eventually sobered up enough to…

He goes on to explain that every time a "waitress" does something he doesn't like, he takes a dollar off the stack and puts it back in his wallet. According to him, this guarantees EXCELLENT "waitress" behavior. He ends it with, "And it doesn't matter anyway, we live in [a state] where the restaurant has to pay them…

P.S. You really should take up eating meat again. Millions of people starve to death every day and would gladly trade places with you.