There is no way an average schlub is making it 10 yards, I don’t care how good his blockers are. But shit man, if Eli Manning can put that dopey look on his face and fall forward on 3rd and inches and pick it up most of the time, I’m gonna assume anyone can if the push from the O-line is sufficient.

Football players should stick to hawking soft drinks, not this Ben Shapiro shit that probably makes your scrotum fall off.

This guy gets it!

Is he Eric Trump’s real father??

Dammit man, you were supposed to go with Steve DeBerg here!

There is a 95% chance that guy believes Q is real and works it into every conversation with you. Your dumbass lovestruck sister thinks it’s cute, having no idea she will soon end up in a trunk somewhere.

Who own the Chiefs?

She can run fast over long distances. She can judge angles at which to chase someone toward the sideline to push them out of bounds, though the speed of an NFL returner will be more than she’s used to. I’m quite sure she can attempt to dive and grab a returner’s leg to try to trip him up. And she’s certainly athletic…

And that man’s name was . . . I forget. But the point is . . . I forget that too. Marge, you know who I’m talking about! He used to drive that blue car. 

We who do not see progress as a threat because it upends the status quo (and in fact embrace this as a positive because the existing social order sucks ass) tend to dismiss these feelings as the mere self-interest of people whose privilege is threatened. I think there is truth to that, but I also think there is more…

Yeah I saw her. That is to say, I seen her.

I can’t allow myself to experience happiness for any significant amount of time. I hate me.

I just wish the NFL would sign up an official tampon brand already. My wife’s birthday is coming up and I can never decide.

Apart from the lack of Popeyes chicken sandwiches, that’s a funeral menu you could set your watch to.

Of all the prominent failsons (and the odd faildaughter or 2) currently out here just totally killing it on behalf of Real Americans, it’s hard to imagine any of them so exquisitely embodies the true essence of what it means to be a failson than to be the son of that desiccated turd Jerry Jones.

Our head coach is a freckled ginger

Economics is the culprit, but not necessarily because of the expense of going to games. The culprit is cable.

And think about this - the team’s training staff does not actually try to make you better in any way. Their job is to get you back on the field. Your doctors and employer and friends were actively working to make sure you had the highest probability of returning to the highest possible quality of life after treatment,…

I get the feeling that your follow-up to every “MAN UP MILLENNIALS!” comment is a butthurt email to someone’s boss about that tweet where they called you a bedbug.

The most racist native people lived on the land now called “Indiana." A lot of people don't know that.