Drew, my celebrity doppelgänger, we basically got knocked up at the same time.. Twice. So let’s get together and let our kids roll around in the grass while I peruse your closet and help you shed some old ensembles and make room for your new single lady looks. I really don’t mind.

Oh god. And it is always a really big fish because you know EVERY GUY passes around that ONE big fish they caught in the entire 12 hours they were fishing.

I was taking a shower and washing my butt, as you do, and pulled on something. Kept pulling. Started freaking the fuck out. Threw whatever it was against the wall and kept freaking out. Thought for sure I had some sort of intestinal worm. It was a rice noodle. That I pulled out of my butt.

For some reason I decided that using a neti pot for the FIRST TIME EVER, immediately after eating Carl’s Jr (aka Hardee’s, depending on what part of the country you live in), was a grand idea. I started laughing so hard upon seeing water streaming out of one nostril (I am easily amused) that I swallowed a ton of salt…

I feel like I can’t compete with the writer’s story, but for me it was a period/virus combo. I had clots the size of guinea pigs dropping out of my vagina as I sat shaking on the toilet shitting my brains out while throwing up into a trashcan.

I’ve heard tell...

Celeste Barber does it again!

My aunt told me that it was simultaneously depressing and liberating when she hit her mid fifties and realized that she was basically completely invisible now. She could steal from the Louvre because no one even really looks at an average middle aged white lady.

Emma. Why did you cause racism? And when are you going to end racism?

We need to update the 3 a.m. ad.

This tradition makes eating Peeps and hunting for colored eggs look pretty weak by comparison.

Here’s the gif I made for another thread. Believe it or not, not very difficult to find Bernie facial expressions that look like Snow White singing.

A guy I worked with for a years moved into his really sweet apartment back in the mid-70's. Downtown loft in a historic building where other units in the place are now going for around $2k-$2,500/mo or so. His grandfathered in price? $150/mo to this day.

I see her wanting to outsource any and all physical contact :(

I’m sure there will be a legitimate, effective process by which authorities can check everyone’s birth certificates before they enter every restroom in the state.

My husband and I would hardly ever argue if one of us was dead.

One of my biggest accomplishments in life is (mostly) swaying my mom away from FOX news and getting her to watch Rachel Maddow.

Fox News standing up for Megyn Kelly now is like three months late. I wonder if they feel they can be belligerent because Trump had another debate canceled and those are big money makers for the networks.

Add making me side with Fox News to the reasons I hate Donald Trump.

Everyone if you’re looking for something to hate watch RUN (do not walk) to your nearest Netflix distribution device and hate watch the instant garbage classic Jenny’s Wedding. It is embarrassing for all involved-very confusingly set in present day-and features a couple that is in the running for worst screen…