I just shot soup laced with hot-sauce through my nose (trying to cure a headache). You gotta warn me, k?

Or shut it down as the usual #notall kneejerk response.

It is ubiquitous. Hence the reason you’re receiving so many replies.

Dude-bros...yus.

I am just waiting for Pinkham’s Law to be applied to this.

I had a nurse once exclaim when she nailed the needle on the scale at 160 (my weight fluctuates constantly, I don’t know why I need to tell you that because feelings). When I asked her why she was saying “Oh!” she actually said, “I just thought you were much, much lighter than that.”

Pixie dust. Candy is sooooo 2001-rave.

My man is one step dumber...he just says, it’s a small number, right?

Even Cool Girls™ are hated by misogynists. I wish they’d wise the fuck up.

I just came back from a funeral in California and my brother-in-law pays $1850 a month for his two children (4 and 13 mos). And he doesn’t work on Tuesdays, so they only go four days a week. That is fucking MIND BOGGLING (and one of the reasons that MisterDisco and I made a go of it 17 years ago by me quitting work to…

Fuck I am high as a kite on Demerol and Valium and Norco and possibly something else and i would eat the everloving fuck out of that cakeshake thing whatever it is

It’s like he was just talking and making words and unable to stop himself....”Words...and words...and more words. Words!”

Oh my GOD that color is GORGEOUS LIKE SPARKLY POMEGRANATE STARS

I’d win it but I’m too, fat, and lazy to pull out a little slip dress.

Weeds. Weeds on the side of the pool.

I am reading that again right now. And have dispensed it to all of my friends. And the first time I read it, it was with great difficulty that I didn’t beat the living shit out of my husband and son*, because I saw SO MUCH of their behavior in it.

Sokushinbutsu!

Totes. She should have waited patiently for him to acknowledge her and then deign to get his fucking elbow out of the way so she could go up and pick her award that her name had just been announced for and everyone was applauding for. So rude of her to not wait for him to get his shit together! Bitches, amirite?

It’s just one long series of beautiful sceneries interspersed with tortured grunting

OMFG at this tweet