my worst Miss U.

Really? I was a former coke then meth addict. I think meth is five million times better than coke.

Former coke then meth addict here. YES. But if I did some lines no way I could go an hour and a half without running to do more.

Yes, and so do amphetamines like Adderall or Vyvanse.

I’m prescribed adderall for my ADD, and the few times I’ve had to increase the dosage due to tolerance buildup my psychiatrist also puts me on a muscle relaxer because I have a stimulant induced form of turrets that manifests as facial and hand ticks and twitches. It also happens when I’m on my medication and under…

Hearing him shout for multiple minutes about calling Sean Hannity reminded me of an acquaintance from my early 20s -aggressive and also addicted to coke (allegedly! We’re just asking the questions!)

that would imply ted cruz has a friend

Jesus. That makes any prospect of Trump using cocaine decidedly less funny. Sociopathy + blow + stupidity= not, not, good.

I think when his campaign staff promised him the debate would give him a yuuuge “bump,” he misinterpreted what they meant.

Yep, a friend in Congress. Not senator / zodiac killer Ted Cruz.

I’m a little rusty on my Genesis, but on what day did god decide the female/male soccer question?

Overly Knowledgeable Neighbor: “DiedofEnnui? Great neighbor. Never turns up the TV too loud. Doesn’t let the paper pile up out front. I can’t say much about where DiedofEnnui is right now. I only have GPS coordinates & a recent update on Snapchat. Sorry I couldn’t be more help.”

“Hi, welcome to Fresh Air. I’m Terry Gross. You may know Jesus of Nazareth from his kicking the moneylenders out of the temple or possibly from his biographical anthology, The Bible. Jesus, welcome to the program.”

Does he...does he actually think the straws are being put on school buses? I understand that X amount of straws could fit into X number of buses, but no one is literally placing straws on buses to the detriment of young children. It does not sound like he knows this.

Does he literally think that people collect all those straws, put them into school buses, and dump them in the ocean? Does he believe children have to walk to school now because we prioritize our buses for storing plastic straws that will be dumped into the ocean?

The problem with this, aside from the fact that it’s insane, is that almost anyone would be preferable to Trump? What’s that you say? Clinton is actually just a walking, talking tower of gerbils? Well, they’re less racist and less likely to start a nuclear war than the other guy, so whatever.

So...she wanted the relationship to be more Loki.

It’s being white that really makes her an expert on the lives of non-white people.

Because when you want hard-hitting perspective about how the world really works, you go to a 24 year old blond who's putting together an audition reel for a sweet FoxNews gig.

Seriously, the reason he’s a great swimmer is that his devolved fish brain just instinctively knows what to do once he’s in the water. It’s the only explanation.