Tinseled Mafioso, new band name, I call it

55 years old, and no sooner does the blood burrito problem end than you are facing pee burritos.

Exactly! My four year old understands privacy as a concept but can’t imagine that I need privacy from him. He burst in the bathroom the other day and I said “I need privacy please.” to which he replied, “From me? Mommy why are you breaking my heart?” and then began sobbing (he feels things deeply).

When I was little, my mom taught us the proper words, and apparently, on a walk with my similarly aged male cousin, I decided to yell repeatedly to the neighborhood that “he has a penis and I have a vagina!” I was like 3.

I will never forget the day that my extremely prim and proper older brother asked me if he should put a garbage in his bathroom for ladyguests. I was so dang proud of him!

1. You will say things you never dreamed of. Like “do NOT lick the cat’s butthole!” Or “no I won’t tell you why I stole the batteries out of the X-box controller so stop asking.”

OMG I LOVE IT. I never thought I’d be uncomfortable as a Mom as I’m much more of a free spirit than my mother. But my daughter who was 3 & 1/2 came out of the tub & was like “Mommy I found something!!!” I said “what?” Towel dry her off & she’s like pointing to her vagina, I said “yes, that’s your vagina, what did you…

she should have thrown the bag in his face

Eh, it can actually be hard to do anything alone depending on the kid you have. My first daughter would scream bloody murder if I put her down (she’d even wake up from a dead sleep) and she would not STOP unless I picked her up again. In theory, she would have been fine to scream for 5-10min, but in practice it’s a…

I do not understand people with this mindset. THAT’S WHAT IT’S CALLED. IT’S THE LITERAL CLINICAL NOMENCLATURE.

My niece walked in on me changing my tampon and I said something like “Oh hi, I’m having my period.” Her alarmed reply: “AGAIN!? BUT YOU SAID IT HAPPENED WHEN YOU WERE TWELVE!”

my 3 y.o. daughter put a cheerio in her vagina. I had to pull it out. she asked to eat it and I said “No, we don’t eat things we put in our vaginas.”

Everyone is always saying this (that the bathroom somehow becomes Seinfeld’s apartment and your kids are tiny Kramers), but I personally believe that it’s never too early to teach boundaries and respect. I say this now, so who the fuck knows, but I am determined to shit in peace.

Period talk was forbidden in the house when I was growing up despite there being three women in the house. My mother taught me to be a ninja when disposing of tampons/pads so my brothers would not be tainted with the knowledge that the women in the house bled.

You find yourself saying things like “you can play with your penis in your room, but not in the living room.”

my mother HATES IT when I use the word “vagina”

Lol, a friend of mine was talking to her daughter using the word “vagina,” (said daughter is two), and her deeply conservative, religious mother was HORRIFIED.

I was actually thinking about this recently - my daughter and I had a very similar exchange about tampons (she’s two and didn’t ask too many more questions after the initial explanation, so no talk of babies just yet). My younger self patted my current self on the back for just talking about it like the normal…

Nice article!

My kid (age 6) sees me naked all the time. I don’t think it even registers with her anymore.