I would feel like a literal god if I dumped Michael Fassbender. Like I would never have another moment of self-doubt or insecurity ever again for as long as I lived.

Daaaamn that took an unexpected twist. 10/10 review

For the same reason 10% of Latinos support him: they think they’re one of the good ones and he’s not talking about them.

OH COME ON JEREMY

My first reaction was “hey, we’d take this a lot more seriously if the recipient was a girl!” then I remember that I was once a girl in junior high who got groped just about daily and no one ever did anything to stop it so...I stopped talking.

Lack of sleep was the one Brad Pitt was supposed to be in Se7en, right?

Michelle would need to be completely in the throes of menopause for Jim Bob to divorce her.

Life in prison is not “getting a free pass.”

I BET YOU BELIEVE IN AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE, TOO

Tyga and his landlord are not in a great place right now.

Fuck don’t say that, I need Helen Mirren to play Helen Mirren.

“Marilyn Manson is the geeky kid from the Wonder Years!”

Or nah.

OK, I’ve been waiting all day for Jezebel to recognize that March 15th is only important because it’s Notorious RBG’s Birthday! Why oh why, do we get posts about The Bachelor, Kim K., and Mama June, but nothing about RBG?

You mean a few feet further down is the gardener?!!

“If Tilikum would have shown up with this disease in the wild, there’s no doubt in my mind that he would have been gone a long time ago.”

POLL

You betcha.

They slowly get absorbed by your body, metabolized, and then excreted as waste.

With any luck, to my butt. Would save me some coin.