The league's security apparatus sure is quick and thorough on such important matters.

According to Heath, when he attempted to explain his grievance in a phone call, Argos president Chris Rudge hung up on him.

"He gave me a hard time about my contract. I was like, The fuck you doing? This is Peanuts."

Bullshit, dude. Chad Ford is a scumbag and has no excuse. This should be treated at least as harshly as plagiarism.

"Messi's passes are so pure they can penetrate the Virgin Mary."

"BOOMSHAKALAKA!"

Oh sure, but when I drop 37 at my job, I'm "a danger" and "not fit to deliver babies."

Ernie Banks also supposedly spent the winter between his MVP years moonlighting for the Harlem Globetrotters.

"Hungary isn't known for churning out scores of soccer stars."

Whatever. Donald Sterling had the same idea years ago:

[calls Sports Illustrated to cancel subscription]

"Our commitment to photography hasn't changed,"

Apples and oranges, dude. One is an organization that makes a mockery of outdated institutions by putting out a farcical product, and the other is a magazine.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. +1

The fact that balls are a synonym for testicles is also not the issue - but it's extremely important that we discuss it whenever possible.

I am a massive internet embarrassment

that's connecticut

Wow, New England, even all of the goddamn oceans are against you.