“Can someone stop this fat, ugly thing from squealing?”

Just a word of warning to everyone: I’m with Jason and Dante over at the Floating Rib, and they’ve changed all the tvs to General Hospital reruns. Damn it, Sparty!

I can’t wait to get this so I can be disturbed every time someone makes a 3-point turn!

I can’t wait to get this so I can be disturbed every time someone makes a 3-point turn!

Coming tomorrow: “Worlds Wildest Intentional Walks!”

Yup.

OH OH Gillette UNGHHH Gillette and wild masquerade fuck festivals...OH STOP IT GILLETTE.....you’re gonna make me...you’re gonna make me ....YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CUUUUUUUMMMM

I had never heard of it until about a month ago. It’s in a few bars here in Santa barbara, ca. Haven’t seen it in any stores yet, though. I’m sure it will get around soon enough.

Rekorderlig ciders are going to be all over soon....the berry lime one is delicious. I don’t drink beer so ymmv

Those exact Bell & Evans chicken nuggets have had 2 massive recalls within the past 13 months due to something called “staphylococcal enterotoxin”. Sounds delicious!

It’s cancer...not everyone who gets it throws on a Livestrong bracelet and runs 5k’s for the next 20 years. Sometimes people die really quickly.

I have severe insomnia, and the only way I’ve been able to defeat it is to put on the Octomom porn and rest a vibrating Gillette Fusion against my perineum. Gillette and the Octomom fingering herself are practically synonymous to me now. I hope a commercial is on the horizon.

-Try to start a lively discussion, for example: “You folks shave with Gillette razors, right? I mean, I wouldn’t even force my negro houseboy to use a Schick. Am I right? Round of kamikazes over here!”

Burger King issued a press release announcing that all Whopper buns will be black this weekend as a gesture of mourning.

One time I tried hitting on girls at a club. It ended so poorly that I went home and tried to commit suicide with a Gillette brand Fusion razor. I didn’t finish the job, but the snail trail left behind from the Gillette Fusion tricked my friends into thinking I had gotten laid.

Strangely, the same man, when told youtube gamer “PewDiePie” had made $7 million in the past year, he said “I called that shit back in ‘04”

“While no reason has been provided the refusal to comply, Occam’s Razer”

I really hate it when some whiny fellow passenger complains that my both my cigarette smoke and erect penis keeps hitting her in the face

it’s so sad that he’z gone I luv da smiths. Now I know how jones of arch felt.

Goddamn! That ball came off his foot as fast as NatureBox brand healthy snacks come out of my mouth when I vomit them!

I just want everyone to know that I used “The First-Generation Lytro Camera” to film ass to mouth porn.