I'm recently divorced and living alone for the first time ever. It's AMAZING. My ex husband was super critical and I am experiencing freedom like I've never known.

Always waxing my 'stache while watching Seinfeld.

Talking to myself out loud in a British accent. I am not British.

I was with a dude for four years. Repeatedly showed him where it was. He could never find it on his own. Also thought you couldn't have sex from behind without it being anal. Also wouldn't let me go down on him for 2 years because "that's where the pee comes out." Also refused to reciprocate because, "the vagina is…

Just when I was getting used to the fact that no one cared about my stupid boner.

Team Cat's spokesfeline just released an official statement:

Some cats like being outside, even in the winter.

1994, suburbs of Chicago, summer before my senior year of high school. I'm a sexually frustrated 17 year old gay boy and my parents have left me home alone so I'm having a party - nothing outrageous - with my friends. My 18 year old girl friend has brought the 20 year old dude she's screwing around with and he - in…

My husband and I met in grad school and didn't hit it off immediately. We got stuck in the same miserable class together on Monday nights. It talked about music history, and one night the instructor went on an endless ramble about Schubert's "syphilis attacks" and kept saying the nonsense phrase "syphilis attacks"…

Oh, and

Actually, the ivory trade is funding terrorism and conflict in Africa, so the average face of the ivory poacher isn't the sad starving kid in a UNICEF commercial, but a violent dickhead inflicting genocide on their neighbors because their god has a smaller peepee or whatever.

So what, exactly? Poverty gives no one the right to destroy.

This reminds me of the time I saw Lord of the Rings and then I started summoning giant walls of water to expel ring wraiths from Rivendell.

So, his Wiki page has been updated with this important life discovery:

Shapely Oscar Penis

Sometimes Twitter IS perfection.

If there comes a point that I don't love this photo, then you can put me to bed with a shovel.

I grew up to be an accountant, not a murderer.