I can tell you that “Inbred People Playing with Knives, Ends Poorly For the Ginger One” is something that happens around my white family quite often.

Dear HRC: I keep thinking about that scene in The Abyss. You know the one where Ed Harris brings Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio back to life and, between bouts of CPR, he yells, “Goddammit, you bitch! You never backed away from anything in your life! Now fight!”? And she comes roaring back to life?

Story 1: So, let me offer the following backstory: I’m lactose intolerant. That’s it, that’s the whole backstory.

“He had 50 years to put Tom’s name on any of these papers,” Ms. DeMaio said. “The will was never a valid will.”

He flies under the radar because he looks like a racist ghost who died during plastic surgery.

i’m thinking of starting a game with them. like how you ice people by hiding a smirnoff ice and when they find it they have to chug it. except i’m gonna hide the crocs and when he finds them he has to make out with me while i’m wearing them.

“I scoured everything I could possibly find about why vaccines might be harmful. I became pretty convinced.”

“The video doesn’t corroborate our story, but trust us, it’s our story that’s right and not the video. Because video, much like science and the female orgasm, is a just a bunch of lies.”

That’s how you get a guinea pig with really strong views on immigration.

Skin to skin contact is beneficial for infants because it promotes bonding. I promise that it will not give you a boner.

Anyone who can’t learn those simple rules has no business carrying a gun. The end.

I think it would have ended with my husband, and just my husband walking down the street. Because I only signed up to take care of the baby I gave birth to.

In fairness, most of them actually have a train of thought to start with, though, and aren't just free associating words until they run out of breath.

Aside from everything else that’s wrong with this, this is why nobody should enter politics at the level of a presidential campaign. Anybody who’s served even half a term on Podunk City Council knows how to tactfully ignore a baby crying during their stump speech without losing their train of thought.

I’m surprised because, for one shining moment, he didn’t have the smallest hands in the room.

...including the Ferrari Tyga gave her for her 18th birthday.

I eagerly await a return to a time when the only Iggy is the one who used to roll around in broken glass onstage.

I LOL’d and he legit didn’t understand because you see, his mom was always happy to do everything for him, why wouldn’t I?

Worst date: Dude showed up wearing jorts, carrying 2 handguns and a concealed carry license, and accidentally punched me when over-enthusiastically reaching for his beer.

I want Fred Savage to take the Live! job, but only if Daniel Stern will give voiceover of what he is really thinking when he is doing interviews.