I’m a liberal half-Mexican, raised by two ordained Zen Buddhist priests, with a Black mostly lesbian partner, and even I think you’re trying way too fucking hard.

The universe will bestow Kemba Walker with a fourteen pound goiter and Tatum will abruptly retire to pursue his burning lifelong dream of becoming an apprentice haute couture shoemaker in Milan, all because of this shitty, shitty take. You should feel shame. 

I’m probably mis-remembering this badly but I think I read that the Sultanate (or whatever they do over there) of Qatar owns Paris Saint-Germaine. FC. So there’s that.

*Jake the Snake Roberts’ theme song suddenly reverberates through Staples Center*

I couldn’t give the barest minimum of a fuck about baseball as an actual sport/entertainment offering, but the petty weirdness and grotesquery of the obscenely rich people who own baseball teams (above cited Wilpons, Jeter, Marge Schott et al.) is fascinating to me. The Wilpons fiddle-fucking around with what has to…

NC due to meteor strike. I kind of feel that God has been asleep at the switch since 2016-ish. This would go some ways towards pulling me out of what is approaching total nihilism. 

Jesus hopping Christ, between you and that embalmed tool Skip Bayless I just can’t. What motivates this level of irrational animosity. I posited that a 17 year old Lebron must have once rebuffed Skip’s obsessive sexual advances, leading to a lifetime of bad taeks from a spurned, deeply troubled man. What’s your story?…

For some reason I read this as ‘this is Mercia!’ As in the kingdom of Mercia. I am a nerd and possibly dyslexic.

Hell fucking yes Zot! (Class of 2012.) Seriously though, our basketball teams have never been anything other than sad garbage. And since Doc exists to punish us for still masturbating to Kim Kardashian, he’ll probably be the Clips’ next starting shooting guard. A Rivers/Rivers backcourt would be an abomination against…

Watch them select a 7’9” Latvian bridge troll because Vlade feels a strange sense of kinship.

Rebuttal: I have hobbit feet in a size 15. Fuck that.

Right now in my fridge there’s probably a two week-old Dominos box with one slice left in it, my roommate’s appalling IPA ass-beer, and, like, cheese. I do however have two cans of San Marzano plum tomatoes and some linguini in the cabinet. Learn to make sauce. Impress the girlfriend. Be your better self.

Bertolt Brecht, is that you?

I’m ostensibly a (somewhat old) millennial. I work in a hipster-ass coffee house and am pursuing a quaint, useless master’s degree. Fuck millennials. Fuck me. We should all get punched squarely in the nose at least once a day.

Read somewhere that technically Millennials are anyone born after 1980. I was born in ‘82. I fucking hate this.

The Old Maid is projected to be the Pelicans’ backup shooting guard.

Well shit, fair enough. Have fun being a douchebag all your life I guess, I suspect you’ll go far.

Agreed. Fuck turkey, it’s a bullshit, overrated dry-ass meat. Honey glazed ham only in this house for holidays . . .

So . . . do you prefer that we, the unwashed huddled masses, refer to you as Ozymandias, King of Kings, Look Upon My Works, Ye Mighty, and Despair? Or do would you rather just go with The Decider?

Hot taek: people who are all like ‘politics are dumb, everything is lame, I just want to laugh at Gronk 69 jokes and nutshot gifs’ are the real reason this country has gone to a very dark and morally indefensible place. Your apathy makes you a big, big part of the problem. In fact, perhaps the biggest part; there are…