I feel like this was exacerbated by the quickie translation to English. There was obviously no finesse or time taken with the translation - which could have greatly improved the reading experience, at least I think so.

DILUTE YOUNG PADAWAN!!! Seriously, you'll get used to it! Try about 1/5 real cranberry, 4/5s sparkling water.

Ohhh I do this with cranberry juice, but the really REAL stuff, that comes in a small bottle and has no sugar or anything. It makes me feel virtuous and is DELICIOUS. If you are crazy for cranberries like I am. Also I can promise it stops a sore throat in it's tracks!

It's on Netflix and amazon prime. Merry Christmas!

Dress + hair is sooooooooo good! But, that nude lip...ugh. Is that her single allowance for "I'm not really all grown up yet"? I hate it. It think it's a terrible choice. Also, how old IS she?

To be fair, clam dip is fucking gross.

Yeah - and you're also not supposed to be able to get pregnant when you're obese, according to a lot of fertility sites. So, why on earth would we need birth control????

Ohhhhh great and mighty Gawker media empire - I can only hope that Jez and Gawker purposefully timed the nearly simultaneous posting of that ridiculous Kayne quote ("I felt like the main character [in 12 Years a Slave].") and this article about actual slavery.

I swear the only hat that doesn't mess up my hair is this hat. It's like extra soft or extra stretchy or something. Also, I have a giant head and flat flat flat hair so......trust me. This works.

""If I could bottle up the chills that you give me, I would keep them in a jar next to my bed." That was the best line I ever wrote in my life."

Actually - no - I'm totally not - but these were little 3-D things hanging off their nametags?

This is slightly off topic - but I was just (very) recently in the hospital for a miscarriage (PPROM, if anyone knows/cares what that is), and the doctors a) asked me "what did I plan to do about birth control" which my husband lost his SHIT over - and I was like dude, yes, they ask you that, and b) out of the 5 or…

This reads like a cross between the movies: Marie Antoinette and The Anti-Christ. And IT FRIGHTENS ME. MAKE IT STOP.

Oh you live in Logan Square too? We must be neighbors.

Love your name and you win.

"Basically, Thin Mints are like taking Holy Communion... from Satan. " OBVIOUSLY THIS IS WHY THEY ARE SO DELICIOUS!!!!

Although Home Ec was a ridiculous one semester of foolishness in my high school, I learned a lot of this stuff (like how to figure out price per meal, simple cooking, etc.) from 4-H. I won a state prize for quick breads in 8th grade! HOLLA 4-H!!!!!!

" But at least I always knew that I was responsible for my behavior, not the alcohol." Lady - no matter how much anyone drinks THEY ARE ALWAYS STILL responsible for their own behavior.

CHICAGO REPRESENT!

I was gonna say, come on Jez, a denim wedding dress is an A + for HILARITY!!!!