Ladies and gentlemen, I give you America’s new spokesmodel for PeePass!

If they can have pay-per-use scooters and bicycles, why not toilets?

What about vomit/diarrhea? Is there a FastPass option for people with more urgent needs? How about ride-sharing options for a bro who doesn’t mind seeing a little peen?

I think that tweet was printed on that paper they put down on exam tables in the doctor’s office.

I WANT NOTHING

Stick to sports! Err, I mean lady stuff!

A+ reference!

I remember receiving a bunch of e-mails in the darkest hours of writing my PhD thesis offering me a PhD for $500. Not gonna lie, I was sorely tempted but ultimately I fell for the sunk cost fallacy and gritted it out. The diploma looks lovely on my wall, but otherwise does little for me in my chosen profession.

I dunno, after enough plastic surgery, do all women eventually converge on Ivanka’s face? See, for example, the trajectory of Kimberly Guilfoyle.

Its the passive voice that clinches it. “Mistakes were made”, “unfortunate events occurred”, “sexual harassment policy was violated”, “allegations were received”. Like local space-time singularities propelled this dude’s hands to Gupta’s thigh and shoulders with no conscious intent.

Better yet, hundreds of people could climb back and forth over the wall on-camera. Little kids, men in luche libre outfits, drag queens, entire miariachi bands with instruments, people in Hillary Clinton masks. It would be glorious!

Deadspin would have had better coverage.

I personally have pulled dental floss out of the butts of two different dogs I owned, and one that I didn’t (not at the same time).

Every bakery has a Wheel-O-Dildo in the back that they spin to decide whether a given cake gets a dildo. It’s math!

The inclusion of a cow on the cover, presumably whose hooves and bones were used to make those culinary masterpieces, is kinda creepy. Like those BBQ places that have logos that feature happy/cool pigs.

As I say in my house when the kids make faces at the weird shit I sometimes cook, “more for me”.

I wasn’t forbidden because I was a latch-key kid with zero adult supervision . Instead, I was literally locked out of the house (dead bolt) by my much older sister while she and her friends watched Dark Shadows and presumably crushed hard on Barnaby. I may have to binge and see what all the excitement was about.

With the Hallmark Christmas movies, it is an inevitability that ultimately enough will get made to air year-round, and a new TV channel will emerge to air them in an unending rotation.