i love any excuse to wander around target. idk what it is about that store but it just brainwashes me into wanting to stay there and shop forever. my friends just registered for their wedding there, and i had the time of my life wandering around for hours looking at the random junk on their registry.

Go with the emergency fund. You’ll be used to not spending that part of the money, and if the relationship goes tits-up (because I’m a terrible pessimist), you’ll have first/last/rent in hand to find a new place.

My mom waited until I was a grown and married lady to tell me this story.

I was about 12 when I’d decided I was going to be a Paleontologist (I’m not, btw, but that’s not the point.)

She nearly bled to death having me.

In was in the car with my mom, on my way to run an errand. She took my time in car captivity to ask 17-year-old me about a girl in town who had died from OD-ing on ecstasy. My mom asked me about “the ecstasy” and I was all snarky, like “what do you know about drugs, MOM?” [eye roll] She responded “You know, the one…

My mom is adorably clueless, and like a tiny sprite of a human being. She also dresses kind of masculine, has a pixie cut and is full of tattoos. So bearing that in mind, once my family was on vacation in Vegas. One of the days we were there, we signed up for a tour of Red Rock Canyon. Our tour guide was awful for…

My mom is a transplanted Midwestern lady living in a small island town in south Texas. There are a lot of great stories I could tell about her (she was briefly Mormon because the only church within walking distance of her family’s farm was a Mormon temple and then she got a scholarship to BYU and, as she likes to tell…

So my mom died when I was 6 from cancer. At my kindergarten “graduation” I was getting a special citizenship award and was really excited about it. The evening of the ceremony, I remeber my mom laying on the couch obviously in a ton of pain. I, being 6, was oblivious and demanded she get ready for my graduation. She…

I was trying to think of a best, but I couldn’t, so I’m just going with badass-est.

When I announced to my mother that my boyfriend and I were had found an apartment and were moving in together, she asked, “But did his mom say it was okay?” as if I’d asked permission for a play date.

My little sister came home one day sobbing and said “my friend hung himself.” My mom patted her on the shoulder and said, “hanged.”

That’s how babby formed.

“I mean I love my fans but fans, just because you think you love me does not give you the right to treat me this...oh shit, now I get it.”

Tanktops are horrible?! You’ll have to pry them from my cold gay hands

First edition!

You forgot vampires, though you did say royalty, which I guess is close enough.

Let’s list people who talk about bloodlines:

OK, but since the current system requires tipping, people shouldn’t go out if they can’t afford to tip. Don’t fuck over the person who’s helping you to make a political statement.

One year from now Matt Heflin remains dumb, uneducated, and unemployed. Support from family and friends has run out. Rent is due, the fridge is empty. Facing homelessness and starvation, Heflin’s last option is to join the military he so hated. The recruiter laughs when he steps through the door.