Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant vs raccoon: One rummages through a rubbish pile looking for something barely decent and the other... a raccoon.

I'm guessing the actual facts are more like: "Don and Maxine were found in bed with their hands wrapped around each other's necks. Lovingly."

So now I have to act like a TSA agent with my groceries? Put them through a metal detector, put on gloves and fiddle with their naughty bits, maybe get one of those special x-ray machines.

I have one! It's in a drawer with my original Game Boy.

I was hoping it'd come out in a solid can-shaped cylinder like cranberry sauce.

She should have told the police "A white guy from JPMorgan (I know, redundant) took it" and the investigation would have stopped there.

Now every woman can look like a serial killer!

Clear clam chowder is vastly superior. Though pretty much all of clear chowder I've had was made by my grandmother with quahogs my grandfather and I caught the day before. I've never tasted any other chowder that compares.

Idaho, just think of a nipple as a potato eye except instead of a root, milk comes out of it. Though, this being the internet, I'd bet there's a picture out there of a nipple with a root coming out of it.

Rock your shoulder-pubes laden arm-crotches ladies.

Fighting rats you say?

Christopher Meloni's dog has the Stabler Stare down pat. I assume his crotch started confessing immediately.

Damn low ping bastards!

You'll never be an A-List celebrity with an attitude like that!

Reminds me of the moment Wile E. Coyote realizes what he's doing is not physically possible.

Brussels sprouts are good when roasted, vile when boiled. I'm annoyed I didn't find this out until recently.

The carmanut doth protest too much, methinks.

A little disappointed it wasn't called The Girlie Show.

"My milkshake brings all the bulls to the yard."