“hello the owner of this phone Courtney. I am buying an iPad.”

Hmm, good point, could be. My dog thinks I have superpowers (disappearing treats, magic transporting machine i.e. car), I’m going to tell her I’m Xenu.

You are going to be missed.

Oh, there are absolutely “wrong genes”. Look at this example. The one on the left and the one on the right are both composed entirely of recessive genes from their father. It’s apparent in their sloped foreheads, lack of chin, generally unintelligible expressions, and unfortunate hairstyles.

I fucking hate clutches. If I wanted to carry my wallet, I would.

Same judge who came down light on the boys in the Rehteah Parsons case.

I’m dog-sitting a pug who, hand to God, loves to watch curling. There was a tournament on TSN all last week and she was riveted.

I pity the fool who has to dance with Mr. T.

Imagine a chapstick-a dudestick, if you will-that you put on the tip of your dick. When you orgasm, it naturally blocks the cum from exiting the dick, but just keeps it inside the body with #science. How is this different from a condom? They both keep you from getting your partner pregnant by containing the cum. You…

That glue ain’t gonna hold forever....

...an under-18 nightclub

The moment when she got read for the absurd liar she is: Anderson doesn’t  say a thing, he just reflexively can’t stop laughing at her (though finally he blurts out, “This is so stupid!”). Anyone who hasn’t seen this, let this minute and a half brighten your day....

I don’t think I can top this tweet

That look when you realize

This doesn’t make sense. So girls are what, 51% of the population? But the laws and practices “diproportionatelly” affect them? I mean on its face the statement is true, but if the meaning is that girls are being unfairly targeted, then the numbers do not back that up. Unless we are saying that like 50% of all…

Where I live, they actually give the police little cards to hand to parents who threaten their kids with arrest or something like that in public. It’s so pervasive that they actually need a program to address it. They’re told to hand the cards out silently, but they basically just point out that all that does it make…

please tell me this is Darryl