A man I waited on asked me if I would pretend to be his daughter while he panhandled because I had cute freckles and looked young for my age. I thought it was a really sweet compliment and gave them all free fountain bevs, which is basically the nicest gesture I could ever fathom personally.

Oh okay so I'm indecisive? I think I got my spells done pretty quickly on Pottermore today. Judgy assholes!!! BACK OFF MY SHIT!

I'm scared to post this in case she reads it for some reason, but a friend of mine went in to get a tiny heart on her foot and left with a tommy gun shooting out sparkly hearts and stars...we were brunch-drunk on Easter and afterwards she told me it was my fault for making her unweddable and unladylike. I honestly…

They certainly bewitched me though

Yes actually...based on history, power differentials, and inequalities built into the institutional systems that we cherish in our beautiful society, which you are exhibiting so marvelously for the masses.

She also had a martini, so they seem lax. Does anyone have a link to their careers page?

Now there's a live television performance we could all enjoy without ruining our friendships with Julie Andrews forever. She still won't return my calls even after I told her I turned it off after 16 Going on 17 :(

I will resent Ann's elimination FOREVER

Raise your hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by an America's Next Top Model elimination.

New daily affirmations for the mirror

I'm no hero, I'm just a girl, standing here, wishing someone would abduct me...I mean adopt me.

Why would I need one when Daddy Warbucks found me at age 9 on the streets, adopted me, and reenacted Jingle All the Way every year in the mansion with the staff? Don't make assumptions about my life!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man, when I was 9, I put dirt on my face and told strangers I was an orphan because I liked Annie so so much. I also walked downtown into the not-so-great areas and watched Jingle All the Way with my babysitting money. I didn't even realize I was troubled and neglected until now :( gamechanger

Who is going to play the Rock in Rock Hard: The Story of The Rock though?

Well I want to personally thank you for introducing me to brozilla...I'm going to commence photoshopping him into my roommates seaside selfies

I just use facebook to access my old friends' photos and photoshop them into my current photos, and send them out with "surprise bitch, I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me" plastered on the bottom of it. I didn't know it had any other purpose.