"Max took a penalty for slashing? Excuse me, I'll be in my bunk." - your wife's unmarried sister who still lives with your mother-in-law, is out on dubious long-term disability and spends all day writing lady porn on the internet.

Let the record show that tannin' oil and candy floss (aka the fibre supplement recommended by 9 out of 10 carnies) tastes like mother's milk to Hamilton Nolan.

And nothing says "I'm in high school!" like a lilac v-neck - the t-shirt of choice for midwestern moms who never lost the baby weight and feel most comfortable in clothes that look like dental hygienists' scrubs.

Word on the Wendy Williams assessment. She is definitely in it for the love of the talking-whatever-shit-she-wants-to-about-people-who-appear-in-US-Weekly game. If that show ever got cancelled, you know she'd be sitting somewhere in Jersey in a too-tight Lord and Taylor cardigan and a wig from the RuPaul collection…

I love how Pat Robertson's god is a god of endless compassion* and not just a reflection of his own sleazy, atavistic misogyny and the resulting gay panic that inevitably seems to accompany that.

Isn't PETA opposed to the concept of people keeping animals as pets?

This chick pretty obviously only joined her sorority to get access to bunch of Big Ten (or I guess in this case Big Fourteen) frat boy peen, which is fine and all, but she also clearly doesn't have the ovaries to just go and get her fuck on and not give a shit about what the world at large thinks (she is after all the…

Streep is obviously the queen of all she surveys, but I wish they had made this movie back in the nineties, because if anyone should have done the Witch on the big screen it's Streisand. The part would have been beyond perfect for her circa 1995: she'd have sung the bejesus out of Last Midnight and Children Will…

I could be wrong but it seems to me that the "mainstream" American religious right now has begrudgingly accepted that people don't choose and can't change their sexual orientations and that encouraging gay people to marry people of the opposite sex is a bad idea (mainly because those types of marriages tend to be…

For all her lyrical forays into "I'm still just Daddy's little girl, so would mind parallel parking for me, Jesus?" territory, Carrie Underwood is one of the lone voices in country music to come out in support of marriage equality and she's probably the only out-of-the-closet vegan in Nashville.

My crazy aunt who lives in Florida will have you know she is too busy getting caught up in multi-level marketing schemes and shacking up with guys who live on houseboats for this sort of bullcrap. She'd also like you to know that she's having a trunk show of the jewelry she has designed herself on her and Bucky's love…

The color and print are great on her, but does anyone else think the cut of the dress makes her look a little boxy? Maybe it's the structured shoulder? I don't know.

One can still stand in/around the squat cage when recovering between sets of actual squats without incurring the wrath of fellow gym members though, right? I mean, all right thinking people want to use the squat cage when we go to the gym (for its natural intended purpose!), but we understand that means often having…

I for one am loving Vera Wang's "I'm only at your lame ass Bat Mitzvah to make fun of your lame ass Bat Mitzvah" ensemble.

As a reasonably self-actualized homo, I'm the first to admit that it frequently sucks when 97% of the population ain't buying what you're trying to sell. But given that the dating pool for ex-gays is pretty much limited to glum ex-lesbians and church girls willing to settle for less, I still think us regular gays come…

First off, for the record, I do agree with you that secular humanism is as much an ideologically constructed view of the world and how we should operate in it as orthodox religious belief. It's one I personally find more satisfying than the Catholicism I was raised with, but I try my level best not to launch into ad…

Heterosexual men of the internet: remember, you should be up for getting railed with a dildo in order to empathize with your female partner and be better in bed. But heaven forfend you telegraph to her that you take pains with your appearance (what are you? A girl?? Quit hogging the bathroom mirror. She needs to use…

Not to excuse what sounds like the usual tired representations of women in this film, but do you think it's possible that a more male-focused approach was chosen in order to differentiate it from the hugely popular female-focused Wicked? (Which I'm sure is going to get to adapted for film sooner rather than later.)…

When you say "the mind", I assume you meant "brains from Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, etc."

Banana, please. As if you've got such informed taste. You think anyone under 25 with shiny hair and mammaries is hot. Leave the commenting on male models to us experts.