Well played.

Set up your jokes like they are going to be on the bride and groom, but make the sting of the punchlines be about you and your friends. That way you get laughs, but there's no chance of offending the people you're honoring. This shouldn't be a roast. It ESPECIALLY shouldn't be a roast of the bride.

Mesmerizing.

He must wear those old person sunglasses that go over eyeglasses. The ones that look like VR goggles.

Not workin out much in the yard.

[DuckOnARockLobster drops mic, takes the rest of the day off]

Served.

Damn, I guessed Germany. Or Florida.

May I suggest the Red Wave, if only to needle Jezebel readers?

But Leviticus is Old. And Christians use that as justification that homosexuality is a sin. I'm not the al a carte Christian here.

That is a helpful point, thanks. Out of pure curiosity, who made that shift and when did it happen?

Guess what, in my Lutheran upbringing, we observed the sabbath as Sunday.

In my Lutheran upbringing, we observed the sabbath as Sunday.

In my Lutheran upbringing, we observed the sabbath as Sunday.

But the old testament teachings in Leviticus remain?

I sure as hell hope you don't write about games on Sunday, Chris Broussard. SINNER. Exodus 31:14-15 http://www.biblestudytools.com/exodus/passage…

WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.... He's black?

This email was either written by Drew or Drew's sister, because they share an eerily similar use of all-caps and general rage.

Favorite spectator I saw during the 2012 Philadelphia Marathon when I was taking pictures while my girlfriend ran.

A couple years ago I ran my first ever race, a half marathon in Central Park. When I was coming up Harlem Hill, a decently steep incline on the northside, there was a guy about three-quarters of the way up. On the ground he'd drawn a line in chalk at the most difficult part of the hill. At this point, I was 10 miles…