I’m going to make shirts that say, “Bernie is bae” and then shoot them at you in a t shirt cannon until you wear one and we take matching instagram pictures.

As a fan of the classics I much prefer the original douchebag manual:

I need to read the whole article but am saving it for after a work meeting so I don’t go in riled up. BUT,

Still, his performance in The Fault in Our Stars wasn’t half-bad.

youre gunna listen

My ex thought it was a good idea to move to another state and hide from child support. Since he had such a consistent history of cheating I thought it would be easy to track him down on Craigslist’s Missed Connections. Someone had to know him because he had penis and it did wander. A lot. He also loved to make sure…

Got dragged out of a bar by my friend after I got shitfaced and started crying uncontrollably. The cause- “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” came on and I JUST WANTED TO DANCE WITH SOMEBODY WHO LOVES ME.

This was during the “pack your shit and get THE FUCK OUT OF HERE” part, but he was threatening to kill himself.

Lovato’s response to this tattoo artist was epic:

Also, I feel slight pity for Sasha Radetsky that a long and illustrious career as a soloist at ABT and a principal with Dutch National Ballet, and for a generation of us he’ll always be Charlie from Seattle whose girlfriend dumped him for going to study ballet in New York.

That’s a... puzzling way to go about a protest. I’m not sure what they were trying to achieve? If I was walking by I wouldn’t think “oh wow, look at that protest!”, I’d just think “huh, Forever21 is being shockingly socially aware. Good for them”.

"The whole thing about dating was the scariest thing in the world," Tina once said. "I would tell my friends, "I'm never gonna find…Where am I gonna find somebody at 59 years old? Where do you meet men? Where do you get 'em?'"

“Yeah I don’t really do that anymore”

My speaking voice? ;)

You win the internet today! Any of you losers don’t know what that’s referencing, google Tig Notaro Taylor Dayne. Thank us later.

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just have to tell you: I love your voice.”

Not my story, but my parent's instead. So back when my mother was still alive, we would occasionally talk about whether she would get to see her oldest kid and only daughter walk down the aisle (not very likely...and well, never now!). Inevitably though, the conversation would always turn to how terrible of a start…

This is going to be a strong sentiment but here goes.

Yep. Gonna be a lovely summer down at 35th with me and the other three folks in attendance.

I, white woman, got pulled over a few times way back in my sassy youth, usually for speeding. Regardless of the vehicle, from old junker to borrowed BMW, I was usually able to quickly smile my way out of the ticket. And yeah, I was actually speeding all the times I got pulled over.