“Three hots and a cot? Hardly. The food is lukewarm at best and I’m pretty sure it comes from a can. This imprisonment might not be unlawful, but it sure is awful. Avoid this prison if at all possible, I’m not buying what they are “cell”ing!”

Her?

PLACED A BOTTLE OPENER ON PENIS THINKING IT WOULD FEEL GOOD BEEN THERE FOR A WEEK AND NOW IT IS NECROTIC

I’d say she could she could pick a cheek and kiss it, but I already have one asshole down there. Two would be superfluous.

Titties AND boobies! That's the life.

Oh for fucks sake. This is so goddamn martyrifically stupid...

Worst of all? This was the text:

Do you ever suppose the Republican Muslim Coalition and Log Cabin Republicans hang out? Is it like how the goth kids sometimes used to sit with the theatre kids?

Also a good one I forgot: I got the worst flu of my life my junior year of college. I was in bed for days and my face would not stop leaking and my brains were mashed potatoes. But it was the middle of spring semester and I had to do a Spanish oral exam in the Spanish Conversation and Composition class I was barely…

The time my mom thought it would b a great idea to take me to First Choice and get the ‘Rachel’ haircut when I wanted to grow my hair out. I came in 10 years old and left looking like a 45 year old Midwestern suburban mom. I was hysterical and screaming at my mom “how could you do this to meeeeeee? You were just…

YES SOJU.
NO Soju drinking games.

Trump protesters chanting “USA” before the Trump supporters think of it—beautiful. Just....mmmmmuah. Beautiful.

Fair warning: I have only been a nurse for 4.5 years and I’ve only been working as a nurse for 3.5... BUT. I have had some whacky experiences and met some of the most god-awful people in the world. I have also met the most gracious, nice, and appreciative people.

How did Washington’s lawyers gain access to my browser history?

Dear GOP Candidates,

he and his writing team are 1000% smarter than me and I 2000% love every minute of it

I got a DUI in August 2014 and I will say people who drive drunk are assholes and the punishment we get is nowhere close enough to the crime. I wrote a thank you note to the guy who called the police on me. I needed to be anywhere but on the road.

Twelve Asshats Running

No, seriously, I am in love with Bernie Sanders. I want to eat his goddamned face off. HEY BERNIE, NETFLIX AND INCOME INEQUALITY?