I recently saw Only You — a movie I’ve heard people rave about for 20 years — for the first time. It was TERRIBLE. But Billy Zane and his wig were the true MVPs of the whole mess.

The house I spent most of my childhood in had been custom built in 1965 for the prior owner, and came with a 1965 Sunset Living model kitchen. The stove slid back into the wall, and all the appliances (blender, juicer, etc) were built in. Everything broke in the first 5 years we lived there (roughly 1985 -1990 or so),…

Congratulations, Julia Stuart — you have managed to get yourself the ONLY CAT IN THE WORLD that actually doesn’t look like Benedict Cumberbatch.

Newark Airport basically IS a meltdown. Like if you were a witch who could conjure the physical manifestation of a meltdown, you would conjure Newark Airport.

Mostly Pony Express; some smoke signals.

I gave serious thought to flying back to St. Louis JUST for Jon Hamm bobblehead night a few years back, so I feel you.

Did you work for Marty Hendin? He went to college with my parents — my childhood was full of sweet hookups on give-away items and access to the press box that I was too young and stupid to appreciate at the time.

False: I am actually so old that in my day (fist shake) pagers were only for doctors and people who actually needed to be reached on short notice, not for teenagers to fuck around sending quasi coded messages on them.

“Most of us have matching bath and beach towels, so it is easy to get them confused,”

I mean... it’s also the number of letters in “A Long Pee,” so...

Wait, WHY does 143 stand for I love you?

I still feel like once ordering the £6.75 avocado toast at the Notting Hill Granger & Co contributed to the end of an otherwise mediocre relationship.

Lindsay’s fiance kind of looks like James Franco in that picture. Are we sure this isn’t one of his elaborate performance art things, like ruining General Hospital was?

Rodan + Fields, beloved by Ramona Singer and all of the most insufferable women I went to high school and college with.

The point at which the face starts shifting around unmoving, heavily black-lined eyes in the Sandra Lee video is like the nexus of all my nightmares.

I’m going to do something completely unprecedented and say something positive about the former governor of my charbroiled shit show of a birthplace:

What kind of dirt does he have on Stevie Wonder to get him involved with this?

Thank you for making my lifelong irrational fear seem slightly more rational.

No one should ever feel bad for seagulls. They’re fucking sky demons.