WHAT THE FUCK.

Boris: actually 6 seagulls standing on top of each other in a suit.

I was worried that the gull summit was going to be a summit of gulls rather than on gulls, and I would never be able to go to England again once they’d taken over.

This is saved on every single one of my devices.

MY MOTHER ALSO GOT MAD, because Sea World fried chicken was not cheap, even in 1980, and I had made such a big deal about being allowed to eat it while walking.

Not even going to lie about how thrilled I was when I realized I’d gotten here before anyone else had a shot.

SOLIDARITY WITH YOUR HUSBAND. A Seagull stole my chicken drumstick out of my hand at seagull when I was three, and I’ve hated birds ever since. They attack children, and they eat their own kind!

Ya gotta ya gotta ya gotta SQUAWK!

Right, but did he tell you what he wants, what he really, really wants?

You totally just saved my afternoon with some much needed Dwyer.

The Bachelorette or the Steelers?

I thought the same thing — thank god the cops that came on that call were better human beings than those neighbors, because the picture and tweet are so much fun.

Demi Lovato is what, 24? She probably aged out of Wilmer’s interest.

I bet Gidget also insists on being carried around, and only being photographed from one side, and is really an actual baby.

the 28-year-old son of her friend, Countess Debonnaire von Bismarck

Forgive me if I’ve mentioned this here before, but: I met her once, briefly, and not only is she an amazing human being, but she’s the only person I’ve ever seen in real life with a radiance around her, like she stepped out of a Renaissance painting of a saint or something.

A Singular Fry is going to be the title of my Million Little Pieces-esque* memoir.

As I’ve been dragged kicking and screaming closer, ever closer to my 40th birthday, I’ve noticed that actresses I *KNOW* are several years older than I am (e.g. ones who were in their teens/twenties when I was in grade school) will now maybe cop to being a year or two older than I am. Some of them have somehow become…

100%, Billy should be shot out of a cannon pointed straight at the sun.

I’m still mad at that cat for sleeping with Billy Cruddup when Mary Louise Parker was pregnant with his baby, and then being totally dismissive about how shitty that was.