Right? He’s a white dude with crazy eyes. If I saw him on the street, I’d think “cult.”

I have the same reaction to pregnant women being described as “popping” or “ready to pop” as many people do to the words “panties” and “moist.”

This awful woman crashed my sister’s baby shower a few months back, and you’ve just made me realize that yes, she is basically female Cruz (with opposite politics, as far as that came up at a baby shower, but the same weird tenacity and inability to read the room).

I’m not interested in Prince death rumors unless they involve him being secretly alive at the same desert compound as Tupac and Elvis, occasionally coming out in bad disguises to shop at the nearest Target.

America only needs one Milania.

I’m trying to remember if you’ve told the story about Coco complimenting your shoes before, or if it was another commenter, and Ice-T and Coco just hang out in a lot of airport chain restaurants, complimenting people’s shoes.

I want to snuggle them both, so yes.

Ted Cruz is also secretly descended from the villain who, in 1327, murdered King Edward II by means of jamming a red hot poker up his butt.

My uncle had an early one. We were like “oh, you fancy now with your talking car, huh?”

We had one kid who was ace at it. Now he’s an architect. (He also ate his boogers; no idea how that played out as later in life skillz)

They will. Siri will tell them to turn left in 500 feet and they won’t know how close that is and they’ll totally miss the off ramp.

You’ll appreciate them when the zombie apocalypse comes, and you can read the old AAA maps in the back of my car while everyone younger gets lost and eaten.

The molé is dark, and full of terrors.

Honestly, I’m pretty sure I could no longer pass the Iowa Basic Skills test section on maps nowadays*, but I’d never say “I can’t read a map.” Fake it till you make it, baby.

You’d have to go back way further than 1992 to find that many human-like pictures of me. I don’t think I’ve done anything TRULY human like mini-golf since the ‘80s.

Sit by the fire, my child, and let me tell you the terrible tales of the great taco famine of aught six.

Literally what I think of every time El Nino makes the news again.

For chrissakes, US, we ALL “read maps” in nineteen-hundred-and-ninety-fucking-five! We had no choice! We had no googlemaps, or even mapquest! They tested us on it in school! GET OFF MY LAWN.

She looks so much like the soap actress Tamara Braun that I kind of wonder if it’s not her mother.

I don’t know if Happy Jack actuallylooks like George Clooney, but they both make me smile, so I’ll let it pass.