Touchscreen shifters are a fantastically stupid idea.

He should not get the Daily Show job because he wasn’t even close to being the best candidate. Roy Wood Jr. was the best.

Holy shit I forgot that this was her; thank you for reminding me.

He’s never going to finish these books. He is going to die before he gets through the last one.

Like Hillary, they are unpure and their proposals are inherently tainted

You put that out there while Warren and Harris have given out suggestions?

Nina and crew see a Diamonds and Pearls (or whatever their names are) type of grift. The only Bernie employee I really truly liked was Symone Sanders, who’s now a Biden hire.

Cherry picked? Perhaps then you could indicate where he ANSWERED THE FUCKING QUESTION HE WAS FUCKING ASKED? He did not. He just blathered on. God, another fucking Berniebro trying to prove how “woke” he is. Go back to The Splinter.

You’re not interesting because you jerked off in front of women for decades. Why does that mean I have to listen to you? Why does that make you interesting. You didn’t get your career ruined by a vindictive creep. You spent 20 years harassing your colleagues and threatening them with retaliation and now I gotta…

I wish George Carlin was still alive. I could actually kind of see him saying that one line - “you’re not interesting. You didn’t get shot.” - and spinning it into some good commentary about the media or human nature rather than that unfunny, cringey hack job Louis CK gave us.  Carlin was the master of shocking you…

this sums up the whole routine pretty effectively. this shit is as fresh and hip as Jeff Foxworthy with none of the aw-shucks charm.

Later, the GOP tweeted out a sketch of Ted Cruz when he was a hottie.

As my friend once said, “the primaries are for me, the generals are for society as a whole.”

They are never “coming” that is why they are so angry.

Given all of all of this, why is Trump so happy?

If anyone at Fox is reading, I would pay to see Tucker Carlson and Glenn Beck fight to the death.

Sanders is the most popular politician in America

Hope Hicks Dates Pricks.

I dunno. The number of dudes who think I want to fuck them just because we made eye contact as we passed each other on the street would suggest this is a more common phenomenon that you contemplate.....

Yeah, but still fuck Jeff Flake and Bob Corker. They don’t really disagree with Trump’s agenda, they just wish he were more genteel.