An ex-boyfriend of mine used to swear he once hooked up with a Jonas brother years ago (the married one, before he was married). I was always like, “that didn’t happen,” until one day he got super frustrated and said, “If I was gonna lie about hooking up with a Jonas brother, why would I say it was the ugly one???”

All it takes is one functioning neuron.

Omg wtf angel statue looming over the sitting area? Like, how can anyone ever be in that room?! On purpose?

Well we only had three bits and didn’t expect such a rush!

WTF does “(she) failed every single time as Secretary of State” even mean?

You who the real losers are here? Tic Tacs

Ugh, ugh ugh. I cannot adequately convey my disgust at the notion of being attack-kissed by that sack of orange shit. My poor husband is going to have a lot of ground to make up tonight so that I can get that notion out of my head enough to actually have sex.

Magnets...how do they work?

This needs more stars. The saddest stars in the universe.

Twenty bucks says this does more damage to Billy Bush than to Trump.

I can’t really imagine that in even the most mutual, long term, consensual relationship being “grabbed by the pussy” is a positive thing.

As a feminist, I’m appalled that everything always comes back to a woman’s looks. As a queer woman, I have to admit that my first thought was that that face is by far the greatest thing Rudy Giuliani’s ever had a hand in making.

If I was paid $150 million to kill someone, I’d be buying a new identity ASAP.

“Mike had the single most decisive victory in the history of presidential debates.”

Well then throw out roughly 50% of studio output.

This is fucked up on so, so many levels more important than this, but: karate is Japanese. They can’t even get their racism right.

That’s a cute ass fucking hamster. What the hell is her issue?

This is always the stupidest argument; nobody can criticize the taxation system unless they donate money to the government, through some means, which isn’t a thing. The closest thing is donating to charity, but I don’t think you want to bring up the comparison of how much each man gives away. Or rather, compare a…

Here’s a little known secret, “bullet proof” vests aren’t actually bullet proof. Also they only protect your torso. It should be noted that you can die if you’re shot in places other than your torso.