Don’t shit where you eat and don’t believe the florist when he tells you that the roses are free.

If I saw them coming to help me I’d say I’m good and walk to the hospital.

Driving in Eastern Oregon at night, in the middle of winter, and the road is a rutted sheet of snow. Then all of a sudden there’s dozens of rabbits running across the highway in my headlights. I can’t slam on my brakes because of the snow so I just white knuckled it and tried to not look out my windshield at the…

This is what we need more of. It took a couple of really bad years with my oldest (who is autistic) to realize how fucked up our public education system is. Nearly everything sends the message to kids that nothing they do is ever good enough, and the work they’ve done means nothing because there’s more work to be…

Sounds like these kids have been routinely traumatized by unreasonable expectations since the moment they were born.

Are there plans for a series in which a young white man in his 20's picks up and moves to Alaska?

His brain isn’t even fully developed yet. That’s pedophilia.

We have a space like that in our upstairs but no one ever hangs out there because there’s no TV and we never have guests. I mean, it looks super nice but I can think of about half a dozen other things I’d prefer to do with that space.

People come to your house?

Ugh. This reminds me of the first home my spouse and I bought. We found an affordable place in a new development that just happened to be kind of on the outskirts of the town we lived in. I guess we didn’t get the memo that most of the people buying there did so as an investment so they could turn them into rentals.…

The new age gobbledygook is the chef’s kiss. Definitely the woman you don’t want to get stuck talking to at a party.

Is that you, Fuzzy?

And Dumb and Dumber... though those scenes were played up for humor. I’m talking about like you never see in a movie where someone just needs to take a shit and that’s part of the movie. 

I remember all the white art school kids who did graffiti loved Tribe and Pharcyde. Then DJ Shadow happened and it was all over.

No one has made a better movie where one of the leads takes a shit since Pulp Fiction.

I hear he likes them a little deflated too.

Yeah, no zombies or superheroes. Kinda hard to watch imo.

I meant his massive collection of old game balls. What did you think I meant?

Good for her moving on with a new guy 8 years her junior instead of Tom Brady and his old balls. 

LOL at Mercedes bribing people to get certified. If that was truly the case you don’t think Musk would’ve done this by now?