“Those giraffes you sold me, they won’t score. They just walk around, dribbling, and not scoring. You sold me... jacked giraffes. I want my money back.”

Coaches should be stored in clear, glass tubes filled with mysterious light blue liquid. They should be completely nude except for a breathing mask for breathing and a voice amplifier for shouting. The coach tube tanks could be wheeled around by teens, tots, toddlers, and other child-like creatures belonging to team…

There’s a San Antonio-Austin taco war?

I have heard (never tried it) that the solution to that problem is to drink a cup or two of coffee just before the nap. That way, the caffeine kicks in right as you are waking up.

(Read in the voice of Morgan Freeman or David Attenborough.)

Living in Massachusetts, I have been following the case since her arrest and what she did was seriously messed up.

The first 1:50 of that video are intense. Just waiting for it to happen....

I thought it was bullshit because he showed up on ER years later!

And here I thought I’d have to wait until the game to see a statue repeatedly knocked over.

• José are you okay? Jose are you okay? Are you okay Jose?

“their place of fitness” I'm going to start referring to everything like this. The Mexican restaurant is now my place of tacos.

If the American Beverage Institute is pissed, the last thing they should do is hold it in.

I park in a garage.

Bill, did they ever catch that gorilla that escaped from the zoo and punched you in the eye?

Who the fuck noticed the nose?

12. Horrific motorboating accident.

That is something I appreciate that I think the Gawker crowd of sites does better than most other places: giving me lots of relevant links to explore.

This. You forgot two cans of Copenhagen and a bag of beef jerky.

Because it's Australia, technically she threw down.