shes 23 and has a Nanny that makes her cucumber snacks

“Julia, tonight for your date with Bill, you’ll be helicoptered to Jack-O’s house along with Jalen Rose where you will watch a Survivor marathon and argue about whether or not the 2012 Miami Heat are properly rated.”

I worked with somebody who installed a security system as they were concerned abou the value of their beanie babies, on a side note my schnauzer loves the pellican beanies

The average American doesn’t have $1,000 to their name. $2,000 problem comes up and they sell their stuff. It’s a tale as old as trickle down theory.

OK, so what if you’re an Elizabeth Warren loving liberal from Boston, and a die-hard Pats fan who remembers Howie Long bashing the Sullivan kid? What do you do, hope that they win but that Pretty Boy gets decapitated on the last play of the game?

Not you! Lemme get going on another post you may care about more.

Officer 1: That looks like Ricky Williams

Bill Simmons retired from basketball a few years ago, but Jacoby and House have been trying to get him back on the court. LA’s middle-aged white guy pickup basketball scene just hasn’t been the same without him.

When the Browns were 0-3 I saw the possibility of a winless season and starting betting on them to lose. Over a three month period, my initial investment of $300 had grown to $304.61 before that crushing Week 16 victory against the Chargers left me penniless.

Nah, see these are boring people who are dumb enough to think abstinence-only works, so once they get married and have 2-3 kids, that’s it for sex until they get drunk at a school auction and have a fourth kid that’s 8 years younger but totally planned, not a mistake.

Maybe. So are you being sarcastic or utterly stupid?

“I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious”

You idiot, Howie Long retired like twenty years ago. You’re probably thinking of Justin Tuck, who has been pretty stout for the Raiders this season.

Oh, SNAP!

Guy 1: “Man this makes me not want to buy their stuff even though I love Porsches”

So this is where the buck stops.

I tried to tweet Dikembe saying I didn’t believe him but he blocked me.

I’m just saying, there’s about 100% chance that patch of ice is Obummer’s fault

This Comcast guy is a true American Hero(tm). He only worries about himself, and himself only — screw everyone else!

You know what a dick move is? VW lying to customers and regulators.