oh my god this is perfect

The moment I meet my very short, balding blind date, he skips the introductions to say this:

“Girls who have been raped are normally fucking crazy; you actually seem really normal and pretty stable.”

“You know, I usually like really skinny, pretty Barbie doll types, but I really like you. You are so real and low maintenance. I like how you don’t put so much into your appearance. You’re so real.” After I had spent 2 hours getting ready for this date...

I’ve tried the “California Buritto” at a chain called Supermex and it was great! And so are carne asada fries (that was from a different place).

I had a California burrito with french fries (and chicken and cheese and guacamole) in it today and it was delicious. I’m not sorry!

NO. NO. NO!

YES.

I would like to send an order of the crap dip to the table over there. The one with the lady that’s allergic to crunchy and the man that doesn’t know what scrambled eggs are.

I always applaud appetizer-based diplomacy.

This is a photo from outside the Traverse City KFC in question. I am not kidding.

It's amazing how many stories start at fast food chains and end up with meth. Maybe I have that backwards...

Oh he’s definitely a subscriber:

I REALLY wish they made this beach umbrella in a parasol size. I sometimes see people carrying aound cheap little umbrells against the sun. Nope. I can sew just about anything (sun proof too), but I can's make an umbrella. Someone make it, and I will start a fashion trend.

I REALLY wish they made this beach umbrella in a parasol size. I sometimes see people carrying aound cheap little…

Leicester City has announced that the Pearson, Hopper, and Smith are to be suspended indefinitely, starting immediately. Team officials cited their own internal standards of professional conduct, which requires that all players film potentially embarrassing videos in landscape.

She was ultimately accepted and has moved in. She even had coffee with the board president, who claimed that her reason for wanting to interview the kid was just to meet him.

This is dating myself but... when I was 10 years old my mother moved us from Philly to Westwood Ca. (a whole ‘nother story but it was actually a case of custodial interference.) Our neighbor in in the Melrose place looking complex was Barbara Barry. She played Gavin Mcleod’s wife on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”. She…

The only time I've ever gone to a casino has been with Tommy Craggs. He's obsessed with following the probabilistic rules of proper gambling, focusing on "the process" instead of playing blackjack in a way that might possibly be enjoyable. It's like watching an old man slowly masturbating to CSPAN without any of the…

No Bitches