What about when my mom, who at the time was in her late 50s, told my sister she was pregnant? Thoughts?

I’m envisioning one of those huge wine glasses that holds a whole bottle.*

Serious question: After doing my housework and applying for some jobs, I spent a chunk of today knitting a blanket with Red Heart acrylic yarn, while smoking cigarettes and bingeing on X-Files(I have to refresh my lamprey/human hybrid knowledge before the new one drops). Can I have a lifestyle blog?

Hmm, "douchefraggle". Now we have a wonderful word for these people.

This is a pretty accurate summary of my reaction:

There are two things that we in Illinois do better than everyone else: hot dogs and corrupt politicians.

Two things:

The other day I witnessed a mother grabbing her (13 year old?) son by the front of his shirt and saying "don't you EVER do that again" for being snotty to the cashier at a coffee shop.

Sending a gift certificate for a shitty restaurant..... Man, that is gold. Delayed revenge like that is just artistry.

WTF am I doing with my life

Kris' face here.

ok this is right on the money.

and now Kim is all "wait, Beyoncé, Beyoncé, BEYONCÉ, Beyoncé, B, hey girl, Beyoncé, 'yonce, hey why are you ignoring me, I didn't forget your accent mark this time, omg haha this isn't funny, Beyoncé, LISTEN TO ME I'M JEALOUS OF RIHANNA 2 NOW!!!!"

Boooo

Sorry, this is not nearly as hilarious and amazing as the John Travolta dog.

My husband was sitting at our kitchen table, working on his laptop and speaking to me. I stood by the table, completely ignoring my toddler because what my husband was saying was more important than "hi! hi! hi! hi! no?"

Unfortunately if I have too much corn I'm going to have a #rebelshart.

This ones the best, tho.

Madge I'm really happy for you and I'm gonna let you finish, but Częstochowa has the greatest Black Madonna of ALL TIME.

Oh Madonna, is he a rebel heart too? I'm pretty sure I would have got that as a tattoo written across a burning heart when I was 13.