Dmitri's home perm gives me the sads.

You know, all of my dreams where I orgasm are like this, pretty much. I'm leaning out a window and rub against the window sill till I come. I bump into a basket, then rub against the basket till I come. There was one dream where I sat on something, like a really big book, only it was oblong, and I just sat on it…

Give Lochte his props...being beautiful and staring blankly at nothing is not as easy as it looks...it hurts his brain sometimes.

"She killed me with her coochie coo.."

I recently re-discovered my super-pointed-toe burgundy fake alligator skin pumps (they're way more lowkey and tasteful than you're imagining, I promise) and felt a twinge of embarrassment when I realized that no one really seems to be wearing the super pointy toes anymore.... and then I wore them anyway and it killed.…

Pencils of Promise is what I am going to name my all male burlesque stripshow.

OMG I love "Blergh" but "Balls" is the ultimate dance song of summer.

I swear to god, half the time I don't even know wtf Kanye West is talking about. It's just words strewn together in things that sound like sentences with smatterings of god-complex. If you opened his head & looked inside, I'm fairly confident it would look like this...

You tell 'em, Lindy.

As long as they get Bill Hader to play Dan Aykroyd, I'm on board with whatever.

Re: Kaley Cuoco wants a baby. For fuck's sake, she saw SOME BABY AND COOED AND SAID SHE WANTED ONE. I can produce the same results showing you a picture of a kitten. It does not mean that we want to give birth to kittens.

Actually I (the lesbian "heathen") responded with, "Uhm, doesn't G-d help those who help themselves? Help yourself to a condom, or a diaphragm, or birth-control, or the Rhythm Method!"

OMG I can't stop picturing Jesus with the best look of disgust on his face ever going "Did I fucking stutter?!!"

Mary McCormack, wife of blah blah blah, but most importantly THAT Mary McCormack of West Wing and In Plain Sight awesomness.

i CANNOT wait until i'm famous and get to scream at people "do you know who i am?????????"

Mabel is my spirit animal.

Good Lord I love Kristen Schaal. I first experienced her genius as Mabel on Gravity Falls (I have a 4 year old, don't judge me) and then I realized she was Louise on Bob's Burgers. Done deal. She is my favorite everything now. Hysterical.

I'm already feeling emotionally vulnerable today and you go and make it worse with a Tom Hiddleston gif.

Love Schaal. GUSSSTAAAAVE.