Wait, what? Raw onions are boss. Cooked onions are slimy and gross and make me want to vomit.

Oh, fuck off.

I feel like it’s going to be when you take your kid over to your friends house. Hillary is going to show up to the White House and Joe Biden will be standing behind Obama and he’ll look at Tim and they’ll shyly shake hands and then Obama will say “why don’t you show him your secret jam session room downstairs?” “OK…

Finally, the moment my stupid Kinja handle has been waiting for.

Man that’s crazy, I was just thinking about how “Chubb” is like slang for a boner and how you could totally riff on that in a ton of ways. Love it. +1 for you, good sir. Looks like great minds think alike!

Right. two drinks. Whisky and Rum. The only two drinks I need.

Guys, he means the tradition of College Football making dumb, stubborn decisions.

He’s only available for radio spots now.

“Wait, is that an option?!” - Roger Goodell

If you want women to suffer, vote Trump.

THE STUPID IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

GIRL GET OUT OF THERE NOW

A heinous atrocity. Totally squandering his talents smoking the devils lettuce. Why don't you just beat your girlfriend like a real pro athlete.

Here’s an idea: don’t be a pussy and love your dog.

nice try russell

Louie Anderson had better win this category. His performance is above and beyond anything I’ve ever seen on TV. It’s like a beautiful fleeting gift from the entertainment gods.

louie anderson in baskets has totally blown my mind. heartbreaking and incredibly funny at the same time. that is such an outstanding show.