Jim Tomsula’s a moonlightin’ sumbitch.

What is it like to be shit?

Im very racist and even I know the difference.

If they were really Sikh, they should have just stayed home and rested up anyway.

Sikh and Islam are completely different religions which aren’t remotely related to each other. It’s like racists aren’t even trying to educate themselves anymore.

To be fair to poor Issa, there probably was some commotion a few doors down from his hotel room at an ungodly early hour this morning.

“Travel”

When I take my family to a public sacrifice to appease the cruel god of the void, I really hate it when an acolyte of Ner’huul makes an extra flourish with his bone knife or, and gosh this is THE WORST, when the High Priest makes a big show of eating the heart of the spring virgin. It’s like, act like you’ve BEEN…

I redirected her attention to the cheerleaders and mascot.

The toaster one reminds me of the time one of the librarians smelled food and tracked it down to a woman who was sitting at a reading desk with a crock pot plugged in underneath it, cooking chicken stew.

I was hoping for a substantial, thoughtful analysis on these particular customers, but I’m afraid of deep things.

This will be overruled. The United States Constitution states that I can own as many Colts as I want.

I would much rather read about the Chris Berman sexual harassment lawsuit. Come on Deadspin.

I worked on a show in NYC once, and at some matinee performance the audience was particularly unruly. They were audibly chatting with each other during the show, a couple of people called out to the actors when their characters did stupid things, etc. Once the curtain call was over, I heard an audience member loudly…

julia child used to come eat at a place i worked. more than one guest was crying when they got up the courage to approach her. she was always incredibly gracious. and very tall. :)

I would expect nothing less from the dude who wrote Clerks. He knows exactly how you guys would have talked about him after he left.

Salman Rushdie, I’m So Sorry sounds like the name of Fall Out Boy’s next number one song.

If you saw a short guy, that was someone who resembles Steven Tyler, not Tyler himself. Doing a search on him yields 5’10,” and he may be the only Famous Person whose searchable height is low, if anything; I would’ve said about six feet.

I was not working there, but once, at a very tiny, very packed restaurant, everyone at the table looked up as Bette Midler and what I presume was her daughter came in for dinner. There was a wait for tables, but Ms. Midler smiled and stood and waited for 30 minutes, without complaining, until something opened up. She…

Donald Trump will flirt with the waitress. Every single time. He’s usually pretty good at getting the waitress to flirt back.