I'm surprised the credit card companies didn't reject the purchases as fraud.

Smith's high horse was shot out from beneath him when he posted pictures of the severe branding inflicted upon his son.

"I swear to god, if you call the cops I'll throw myself down the depth chart."

Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooole!

I'm not sure why, but the line breaking the outside seal makes me very upset.

"The three stars represent the Galaxy, the Sounders, and NYCFC: the three teams for whom we go out of our way to break our own rules."

All you people pointing a finger at Jonathan Dwyer need to understand that domestic violets are planted around many, many homes throughout the American south. They are something he grew up with, part of the culture in which he was raised.

Jon Stewart verbally eviscerating the NFL and using their entrails as his workout resistance band just makes me so fucking happy.

Roaches are red.

I'd like to go on record here: I fully support domestic violets. If you don't like it, you can take your other 63 crayons and just get the hell out.

Hextal has locked Holmgren and Clarke in the closet until this kid signs.

Jeez, Roger, does it take that long to compose a letter of resignation?

You fucked up the "keep your daughter off the pole" reference. Don't blame other people because you are shitty at 20 year old jokes.

Yes, your comments are definitely living proof of, uh, something. Thanks for stopping by!

Presumably, he's already well-versed in faking injury.

But didn't she only come at him after he hit her the first time?

"Exculpatory? Listen, firstly of all, they are still married. And B, I just don't see how you can see her as culpatory."

Consider forming really strong opinions about independent video games.

I don't really care about football, but I also don't really care about women. Is there some way I can use these two facts to make myself feel morally superior to everyone else without really accomplishing anything?