You just couldn’t help but humblebrag about having a wife, and bread, could you?

according to Comscore, nobody. fun fact: more people [‘unique visitors’] read Timothy Burke over the months of March and April 2018 than read all of barstoolsports.com, according to Comscore. 

I am not raunchy, but I am inappropriate at times

I mean, I get how fucking annoying our dream team of Deadspin writers+commenters is. And there is a lot of compelling content that runs counter to our self important slacktivism out there. But what the fuck compels a person to read that drivel?

Imagine being an adult and being mad that you didn’t get an Ezekiel Elliot autograph at a fantasy football convention.

Just think how many second rounders Hinkie could get for Embiid and Simmons.

His tunnel boring machine must have hit a major breakthrough, given the rate at which he is digging himself in a hole.

We’re all just watching everything bounce past us

Grayson Allen: Utah Jazz draft pick

Dwight to the Wizards.

Holding doors should really be left up to the states, tho.

TAXES!

You want Kroenke to go from being worth $8.3 billion to $8.28 billion simply for the sake of having a more competitive team? You’re a goddamn communist.

Ok, look.

I think Bartolo finally has a worthy rival for the title of True GOAT.  

hasn’t been a disaster. Not great enough to justify the salary, of course, but...

Has a rising star ever fallen this hard, this fast?

I hadn’t even heard of the Red Sox until just now, so you’re probably right.

I messed this comment up. Tried to edit it. Joke still sucks. I am sorry, self.