Both parties send all of Crystal’s tax dollars to Ukrainian President Zelenskyy and do nothing to alleviate her credit card debt to help her pay for the updated COVID-19 vaccine inoculation, which is no longer free. That’s what she said.

None of Crystal’s progressive friends in the state of Iowa are voting. America’s two-party system is a fake democracy which offers only senile male perverts as candidates.  That’s what she said.

I was at the rally. I took the opportunity to speak to female American graduate student Crystal Jewell. Crystal is convinced there’s no point in voting. American democracy is broken and she won’t waste any more of her time on it.  That’s what she said.

I’m seeing a LOT of DeSantis voters on Twitter saying they’re switching to RFK Jr. They say Nikki Haley is no different from Hillary Clinton. Is that true? It would make me look more favorably on Nikki if it were.

So exhausted by this ineffectual courtroom bickering. The fate of Democracy is hanging in the balance.

Just like Bernie, RFK Jr. relies 100% on individual donations from you, the voter. RFK Jr. doesn’t want celebrity money because he doesn’t want to be beholden to anyone or anything except you, the voter.

Genuinely bummed out by the site closure. I’d like to express my gratitude to the Jezebel staffers for generally being good sports about my tomfoolery these past few years. I’ll confess to having some Tomato-style accounts here. Yes, I was Crystal Jewell, the 25-year old grad student from Iowa — along with some…

Speaker McCarthy keeps exceeding my expectations. I thought he’d be a wishy-washy figurehead, not a real leader; instead he’s turned out to be a fearless and skillful opponent of Trumpism. Again and again he has stared Trumpist bullies like Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene straight in the eye and told them to go…

Is the neckbeard Hamilton Nolan? I remember there were accounts that made lots of folks wonder if they were Hamilton’s.

Back when Splinter was alive, there were discussions about which sock puppets belonged to which writers. Some were pathetically obvious (the neckbeard writer, whose name I can’t remember, was terrible at hiding his), others more opaque. But troll accounts would mysteriously disappear when writers were fired or moved…

I think we can all agree that Crystal was Laura Bassett. Laura resigned on Monday and decided to take Crystal with her. It’s a shame. Who knew Laura had such a flair for creative trolling?

Dammit. That was the most creative, confounding troll I’ve ever come across. It felt like a person from a slightly different dimension. I’ll miss her and her unaborted daughter, Julia. 

You’ve forgotten your history. Everyone knew RBG was gambling with Roe by refusing to retire during Obama’s presidency. At the time we liberals cursed RBG because we thought the stakes were too high to gamble, but in retrospect, they really weren’t. And RBG had a damn good reason for rolling the dice: she wanted the…

The loss of Roe is turning out to be no big deal. We all panicked for nothing. I’ll eat some crow and admit Ruth Bader Ginsburg was smarter than I gave her credit for.

Alyssa, please consider taking down this article. This stuff about biological differences between men and women validates bigoted Republican talking points and sows doubt in the minds of Democratic voters.

It’s mean-spirited snark like this article that will provoke Elon to buy the G/O Media sites and hire Crystal Jewell as editor-in-chief of Jezebel. Maybe it’s for the best. I think Crystal might be a good editor.

I no longer work in high finance. I was forced to return to university studies after some bad stock trades. It is a major lifestyle downgrade. I can’t even afford tennis lessons for my unaborted daughter. She learns tennis from youTube videos.

This unfair law forces women to choose between careers and children. Many career-minded pregnant women don’t have the luxury of taking time off for rehab.

In my former profession of high finance it was understood that any woman who is serious about career advancement is on Adderall and uppers. Of course a pregnancy…

Julia has been crying her eyes out today. Her hero Elena Rybakina lost to Ons Jabeur in 3 sets at Wimbledon. It’s always a rough day for Julia when Elena loses, but this was especially hard because it means Elena is losing her title of Wimbledon champion.

I am a young single mother from the state of Iowa.

I had an appointment to abort my daughter Julia 32 weeks into my pregnancy. I would have done it sooner but work had been hectic. I was in fierce competition for a promotion. I had worked VERY HARD for that promotion and I knew I deserved it more than Pam. I wasn’t…