On the other hand, isn’t it nice to be reminded that you’re running out of time to make a very bad choice for you? (“You only have another couple years to worry about ruining your life with an unwanted pregnancy!” “Phew, thanks for the reminder that that there’s a light at the end of this tunnel.”)

Unfortunately, you can’t clean anything with them; self-asorbant guys are already full of themselves. For example, it is clear that Anda was already sopping with Anda.

I love that pubs employed powerful supernatural sigils to prevent Satan from skunking the beer. Priorities.

A close friend of mine had just arrived in Rome for his honeymoon when his internal dump countdown started. They looked around for the nearest public restroom and decided on a McDonald’s, where he went into a bathroom and entered a stall. When he closed the door, he discovered that there wasn’t a toilet, just a narrow…

“Aerie boybriefs . . . don’t choke my ass.” You’ve outed yourself as an advertising genius. This is goddamn gold.

Wait, you claim to love this person, yet you say NOTHING of her mineral content?! I give it two months. (Or...er, sixteen years and two months.)

Seriously, this is some very bad writing, no doubt cribbed from the Big Book of Mineral-Water-Themed Love Poetry (Brought to You by Polish Springs).

Are you suggesting that double snap-into-finger-guns accompanied by, say, “pew pew” sounds doesn’t send a very strong signal?

They actually probably don’t have a legal (as opposed to moral) duty to disclose their employee’s pedophilia to the police. Most states don’t impose any affirmative reporting obligation except to a very small number of people, usually educators/caretakers/social workers. One of the big bones of contention in the…

Subway: Hey, you! Marry our spokesman! [Says nothing about pedophilia].

Are you suggesting that fast food chains have no common law duty to inform people that their spouses have some disqualifying flaw? But I was going to sue the cashier at McDonald’s for not immediately notifying me that my wife likes the McRib!

Agreed. Jon Hamm definitely needs to get involved with adult film.

You’d be amazed/appalled how often that’s been the case.

Also, with modern families often being so much more geographically diffuse, there’s not much functional difference for a young child between the uncle that he or she sees once a year at nana’s birthday or whatever and the total stranger at the grocery store. If kids are trained from an early age to submit to the…

Honestly, I’d be alright jettisoning the handshake, too. In my perfect world, all professional greetings and departures would be signaled with the double snap-transition-into-finger-gun.

My understanding was that sex is physically possible only after marriage, and then only with one’s spouse. Has abstinence-only sex education failed me?

I do not fear adults, Mandrake, but I do deny them my essence.

Am I wrong in thinking he looks an awful lot like Jemaine Clement? Is that why Jemaine Clement hasn’t had a guest spot on this show? Because they’re the same person? I mean, that’s the only explanation right? Is this not how Occam’s Razor works?

I don’t want to be “that” person, but I’m pretty sure the “imidazol” is silent.

It would be so great if all doctors went into medicine to get direct access for to practice-area-specific drugs. Opening a medical practice would be like opening your medicine cabinet to the world. (“So what do you do?” “I’m a proctologist.” “Oh, so your butt is wrecked?” “Yes. My life is a Kathy Griffin…