That’s because Viberzi is only a treatment, not a cure. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re withholding the cure just to make more money off of suffering people. That would be classic Big Diarrhea.

Ah, but did they REALLY win? It’s like the occasionally clever car commercial; I remember the commercial, but I can never for the life of me remember what brand it was for. The only truly effective commercials involve irritating and un-killable jingles. 1-800-KARS-4-KIDS? Those godawful songs by the…

DVR and Netflix have devastated my knowledge of commercials. Please, please tell me that the free book about mesothelioma is a bodice-ripping romance novel.

Yes! Yes! That explains why they cast a Kathy Griffin stunt double for the role of bowel (which, horrifyingly, is a speaking role).

The nation’s meteorologists and sports reporters are poisoning the minds of the voters against Trump!

Are you sure its a silent “n”? Isn’t there a chance that it’s a silent “eauxes”?

Apparently he has a history of unexpected hats: https://www.buzzfeed.com/mjkiebus/leo-likes-hats?utm_term=.fd11dYj9qq#.pfrEzJW844

I think it’s actually a Grambling State hat.

I wasn’t surprised — I mean, they’re both Australian, right? — but then I realized that I was thinking of Iggy Azalea.

I knew this was going to ignite a candy corn storm. But I thought to myself, it’s important that these people be outed to the public, so that they can be scorned and discarded on the ash heap of history. In that way, my comment serves the same function as the Trump campaign.

Does Greece’s National Spelling Bee count?

At Indiana a decade ago I believe they were known as “Delta Oops-I-Joined-A-Frat.”

Exactly. We ate all the good stuff and are now faced with candy-corn-filled weeks of October.

Yikes. Lots and lots of yikes.

The odds of being touched inappropriately as a teacher of tiny humans are very high. Children lunge in for hugs with their crotch-high faces and poke body parts without regard to whether they are, for example, boobs (the parts, not the children).

The entire speech was insane, from soup to nuts. He said that “Clinton meets in secret with international banks in order to plot the destruction of US sovereignty.” It sounds like a hilarious parody, but that’s what he said, verbatim. He’s finally lost his last marble.

Hey, I use the toilet every morning just like everyone else: one leg at a time.

Thank you! That line turned my whole world upside down! Have I been sitting on toilets wrong? Are they not usually for butts?

Is “Kit Hoover” really a real person’s real name? That can’t possibly be right.

“Doctor, I think I might have food poisoning.”