We might not have much left, then. The most recent polling 538 has looked at has Trump up 5% in Ohio, 2% in Florida, and 3% in Nevada. So that’s not ideal.

“Starting a family can wait, but that stage-five bowl-buster of a duker cannot. Proceed to the nearest toilet inmediately. (This message brought to you by the Italian government.)”

“See, it wasn’t rape when I had sex with her against her will, because the REASON she did not consent to having my penis inside her was it was too big, not some other, legally cognizable reason. What’s that? Her refusal is valid regardless of the reason behind it? So I just confessed to rape in front of the jury? Oh…

They’re not splitting up, they’re just lifting and separating.

“Taylor was the one to put the brakes on the relationship after Tom responded to that German cannibal’s craigslist ad seeking a human feast without checking with her touring schedule.”

I wish that show were better. He’s so perfectly cast!

He put it on a burger?

You can always file singly.

Or avoid doing anything that makes your spouse want to put arsenic in your oatmeal. Or, if that cramps your style, living somewhere where it’s difficult to obtain common poisons.

True. Moms are discriminating. (Mom: “Sure, he’s got sweet cheeks, but let’s see his package.”)

The only way to make it more public than it already was would be for them to release a sex tape (and that promotional strategy was already a non-starter due to an impasse over producer credits).

I hope you (and everyone) has seen Wait Until Dark, with blind protagonist Audrey Hepburn being tormented by an impossibly young and villainous Alan Arkin. So, so good.

After reading the headline, I was delighted to see that that this article was not about a bunch of dudes characterizing a corporation’s attempt to monetize a dormant intellectual property as “raping their childhoods.” That having been said, there is no way I will see this movie, as my scary movie tolerance tops out at…

I wish people would forget my ass, but unfortunately it will haunt their dreams forever.

Also totally accurate. If in responding to a call of a suspicious person, you come racing up to the general area and inmediately shoot the first person you see in the head, you have indeed made exactly the wrong decision.

But that makes sense. Weddings, like wars, are high-stress environments that foster immediate intimacy.

I am endlessly amused by the opportunistic toddler kiss. I had my shin kissed the other day. Why? Because it was there.

Hugging as a display of dominance makes all the sense in the world.

I don’t know; creepy groping is the epitome of “it’s not you, it’s me” behavior.

“Sometimes” is very generous.