A: “Please don’t touch my breasts with your chest. I don’t like it.”

Take a page out of my book and smell bad all the time. It’ll shut that shit down fast.

I blame all this indiscriminate hugging on the decline in professional pickpockets. People would be far less eager to press their bodies against relative strangers if they knew there was a decent chance it was going to cost them their wallet.

One of the many, many societal bonuses of being a guy is that I’m not expected to hug almost any of the guys my wife feels like she’s supposed to hug (husbands of very close friends, male cousins, uncles, father-in-law). And because most of the guys in my generation (like, say, me) are really just overgrown children…

That was my first thought. Well, my first thought was Dr. Phil. But right after that: Dr. Oz.

Oh, on the contrary: everyone is guaranteed shit in the court of public opinion.

This rapist has dog eyebrows.

It’s starting to feel like every county is awful at prosecuting sex crimes.

So you can never tell what buttons do or don’t have an effect. I guess I’ll just have to go back to stiff-arming people as they try to get on the elevator, just to be on the safe side.

Traveling to Maine is presumptively guilty behavior for everyone. No one would go to LaPage’s Maine unless they’re running from something.

I wonder, did Whoopi never think OJ did it, bound as she was by that presumption of innocence? And would she say that Emmett Till’s murderers didn’t do it because they were acquitted by an all-white Mississippi jury in the 1950s?

I’d also like to know what kind of volume they deal with. Judges with truly enormous caseloads sometimes resort to a less individualized categorical approach toward “routine” decisions like bond and probation and such. It would also be interesting to know whether the local State’s Attorney has a reputation for…

The “close doors” button doesn’t work? I’ve been alienating coworkers by jamming on that thing all these years for nothing?!

They can certainly sue the husband who killed her.

He was a high school athlete?

Never. On account of gun safety education.

It might make sense if she has an impossibly, idiotically narrow definition of rape. Like, rape is only the forcible heterosexual vaginal penetration of a sober woman by a total stranger who does not have a bright future (due to being a local high school athlete or the like) that would be damaged were he convicted of…

Sometimes, after reading the morning’s news, I imagine a cozy future in which I have installed bars on all my windows, put in one of those steel security doors, and have everything delivered to my via Amazon drones through a skylight. Humanity has not been putting its best foot forward, news-wise, in a while.

No man has ever been stronger than any other man. That’s why every recorded instance of unarmed combat has ended in a draw. No one has ever medaled in Olympic wrestling for exactly that reason. And Mike Tyson retired with a record of 0-0-58.

Kerr and Bloom’s children would have had inch-deep dimples.