Death.

Says you, jurk!

Condolences on your crowding, but that is the most hilarious three-item list I have ever seen.

Then their $84 marketing investment has paid off already. Conservative businesses, take note! Out your liberal customers online, donate the proceeds from their minor purchases to causes they would find repugnant, and watch the sales come rolling in!

But they donated $84 dollars to three causes (assuming they donated the gross, rather than the net proceeds from the sale), then announced it as an attack on someone whose dad they don’t like to drive business! That’s $28 dollars per cause! Shouldn’t we be throwing this business a parade for donating $84 toward its…

Yeah, this just feels like insincere self-promotion. They could have done the same amount of actual good in the world — donating $28 dollars to three different causes and publicly announcing their opposition to Trump’s candidacy — without publicizing that Ivanka purchased one of their products. The only reason to call…

What is “Al Baldasaro” an anagram for? Because it’s gotta be something, right? “A labor salad”? Is that it?

It’s unfortunate that the only thing his life thus far seems to have actually made him qualified for is clearly communicating his order when confronted by a crackly drive-through speaker. Yes, he can be sure his burger will arrive without pickles, but at what cost? At what cost?

Yeah, I can’t wait to see the backpedaling on firing squads when Trump reveals our secret moon bases during a phone interview later today.

Easy, she’s Jeter-ing. http://deadspin.com/derek-jeter-de…

Jesus. And here I am without the core strength to sit on the floor.

Let’s flip your thought experiment:

Let’s take a simplified hypothetical: Trump, Clinton, and Stein are running for president of a country with 9 registered voters. Voters 1, 2, 3, and 4 decide to vote for trump. Voters 5, 6, and 7 decides to vote for Clinton. Voters 8 and 9, although their policy preferences align more closely with Clinton than Trump,…

People choose one of them because they apparently don’t recognize that they are voting for who will actually occupy the office of the presidency, and that a vote for a third party candidate is a vote for either Clinton or Trump, depending on which one is ahead in that particular state.

That being said, they fell off their balance beams in such a graceful, swan-like manner,

Since “mein Fuhrer” literally means “my leader,” it seems like “Dear Leader” actually is pretty similar.

My wife thinks he’s so cute. So I hate him (while acknowledging that he is indeed so very cute).

What about not wanting to have one’s balls fondled by strangers? Unwanted ball-fondling is not a problem 99% of the time. Is it entitled to ask that people not fondle one’s balls against one’s wishes?

“Please don’t touch my face,” said in a serious tone, can work to snap people out of it if they’ve just taken a temporary, beard-triggered leave of their senses; it’s literal enough that those who are actually listening will be taken aback at how totally inappropriate their incoming face-touching really was. Nothing…

One of my friends fenced foil briefly in high school. He wasn’t particularly good, but dominated due to his height (he was 6'4"); it was like those US fighter planes with the missiles that can attack enemy planes from such a great distance that the enemy planes are destroyed before their radar even picks up the…