My dad loves the minions. Absolutely loves them. His girlfriend hates “kid movies.” I’m going to show him that crocheted dick-sling and see if I can get him to show it to her.

The only important thing about this story is the opportunity to show off Sandra Bullock’s SHOES:

There’s actual reason for this, which I learned in an undergrad Nutrition class. The shells contain calcium, which is helpful in populations where lactose intolerance is common/dairy is not commonly eaten.

The only red velvet cake I’ve ever had that was actually decent was made by an all-natural bakery. They used strawberries to get the color, so the flavor of the cake was outstanding. Like a chocolate covered strawberry!

why don’t you just eat sugared butter if that’s all you’re after?

I love cookies.

I have no problem with flour, but I am seriously going to try this almond meal idea.

If I minded bad puns I wouldn’t have married my husband.

Oh dear, now using the rubber spatula is fine! There is no better implement for scraping every last bit of awesomeness out of the bowl and then delivering it straight to the mouth. ;-) It even works better than using your fingers.

You could also just tell her you’re eating it bc it’s your body and you’ll do what you want with it? That’s my approach, including the other day when our fridge door had been open for a few hours and my ludicrously paranoid fiancee tried to throw everything out.

I love raw dough and am not grossed out by raw eggs but, in theory I am horrified by the idea of eating raw flour. This is why if you want to eat raw cookie dough it should always be made from almond flour because raw almonds are fit for human consumption, but raw wheat is only food for cows!

Red velvet cake is essentially a vehicle for cream cheese icing. Which I love. Therefore I loved red velvet cake.

Lets be REALLY honest: The only difference between whipped cream and butter is the amount of time spent whipping. So not really that big of a mistake either.

My then-girlfriend, now wife, surprised me one day with brownies. I was dumbstruck to find the bowl in the sink. I explained very carefully that this was a ‘breakup-worthy’ offense. Brownie bowls must always be saved for eating. In fact, I asked that she never use a rubber spatula either, since that takes up too much…

The only thing good about it is the cream cheese. I actually told my friend what red velvet really is, a chocolate cake with dye in it, she told me I ruined her life, she thought it was white cake with red dye and was wondering why her home made versions never tasted right lol.

Paula Deen’s entire career is based on this simple yet accurate principle.

Let's be honest, what doesn't taste good drenched in butter?

You should just get him canned ravioli and get yourself a mister mistress.

I’ve been working on improving my cooking skills for the past year. This resulted in a very tearful conversation with my husband, where I had to explain that if I was going to spend 8 hours in the kitchen making ravioli from scratch at his request, he could at least take a fucking bite before drowning it in Sriracha.

V…

They’re both terrible decisions. I give the edge to medium venison guy. Putting salt and pepper on it IN FRONT OF THE CHEF? That is so so bad. It’s not even the way it was ordered that is the worst part. Salting and peppering something without even tasting it is insulting, much less covering the damned thing. My drunk…