I’m not gay, I’m bisexual. And I’m not a vegan — I’m a pescetarian. Have a nice night!

It’s not how people in Southern-state small towns actually talk, but it’s how absurdist characters of people in Southern-state small towns talk. Including ones that Marc Cherry has written in the past. (See: Blanche Devereux)

Did you just suggest that the first season of Desperate Housewives wasn’t absurd?

Tobey Maguire is the darkest timeline Topher Grace. He’s got the career Topher should’ve had!

My morning conspiracy is that Mariah retouched herself but left Beyoncé alone. I do not believe the left side of that photo in comparison to the right.

NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! The worst Christmas song is “Christmas Shoes”.

Ladyheatherlee, I love you. You know that I love you, yes?

Sign me up for this ban. After 20 odd years working retail this is the time of year I dread most. Not for the crowds of people angry “I can’t believe you’re sold out of ______, it’s December 24th! How could you be sold out?!”. Not for the general insanity. But those damn Christmas songs. I feel like that character…

The worst: The Little Drummer Boy.

I was in Olive Garden — Don’t Judge Me! — with my parents three days before Thanksgiving, and they had non-stop Christmas music piping through the sound system. I complained about it, and my mother cut me off, said it was nice and there’s nothing wrong with it. My mother voted for Trump, so there you go.

I’m pretty sure she is dead.

I want her dead too. Just for the record.

I have to do something amazing in the next four years so that I can loudly and publicly refuse to meet Trump.

I think I’d act like I was going to shake his hand and then do the “pull away at the last second and run hand through hair” while saying something about not shaking hands with nazis.

I recall when Obama was elected, some NASCAR drivers refused to meet him or accept his invitation to the White House. I can only hope that since only 19% of the country elected D. Trump, his first and only 4 years is marked by an unprecedented number of Americans refusing to meet or respect him.

Perhaps when we humans kill ourselves off, a better species will take over. My money is on penguins

I hate people so fucking much.

I think some random woman he’s never met needs to sue him for child support for their 57 embryos that exist in potentia.

I am assuming Oprah sent that message via her own assistant, so I’m imaging the convo between assistants like “well, my boss wants you to tell your boss that her necklace is a mess.” Or if Oprah called Gayle’s assistant, how interesting would that be if you had to field messages from Oprah to her BFF all the time. I’m…