There’s a fashion designer whose cat has a book or a lifestyle website or some such nonsense, so a Twitter account is nothing.

Ten years tomorrow, we don’t share.

My two dream purchases are a sailboat and goats. I might very well be your time-traveling daughter.

I have a very bad Japanese knot weed situation in my garden. When I move, I’m inspecting the yard and every nearby yard SO FUCKING THOROUGHLY, let me tell you. It practically audibly laughed when I tried Round Up that first year. Ugh.

Remember Jumping Jack Cheese? So good.

That cat has a triforce on its face.

Laughed so hard at Warner’s line, I scared my cat.

Simpsons. Always Simpsons.

AS A PARENT (TM), I bring my kid to the theater when appropriate. Started at age 3 with kids’ movies, once I knew he could sit through a full movie at home without getting antsy. We recently brought him to Age of Ultron (he’s now 6), but we went to the 10:30 am show, because mornings are for children. A parent who…

That wasn’t so much a grim review of the Reagan Library as it was a grim review of her husband, tbh.

Mine would wreck that setup immediately.

Oh god tell me you don’t have cats

Yeah, I feel like when you’re choosing your first name, which you’ll hear, say, read and write multiple times a day for the rest of your life, you put in a little more thought than “What might possibly irk my ex?”

WHERE ARE ALL MY STARS YOU GUYS? VOTE FOR THIS TO HAPPEN PLEASE!

I feel like you should take the Klaus Challenge and try to communicate only with Simpsons quotes or gifs for a week.

I whispered “What?” to myself about six times while reading this; what does that tell you?

I wonder if he went into a bedroom to write this statement in private, then passed his paper out the window to Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and had her write it for him.

As the great Jake Gyllenhaal once said, “That seems scientific!”

He types much better than he talks.

LOL, three of those examples were the same person.